Chronicles
by sitarra
Summary: Traveling through the seasons in the mind of Catherine Willows and others. GC
1. Underappreciated

Title: Chronicles

Author: sitarra

Rating: PG (will vary though)

Disclaimer: I own none of the CSI characters or the lyrics to every Christina Aguilera song I use. I am simply borrowing them.

Pairing: G/C eventually

Spoilers: in near future maybe. None right now

Summary: traveling through the seasons in the mind of Catherine Willows (and others)

A/N: this will mainly be through the thoughts of Catherine but some chapters will be Lindsey, Gil, or others. The story is based around Christina Aguilera lyrics from her album Stripped (highly recommend you listen to it). It will go through the seasons starting with season one but won't directly mention anything from any one episode. This first chapter is in Catherine's POV. Hope you enjoy!

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**Underappreciated **

I flopped down on my bed, exhausted from the long day. I took off my shoes and put a CD in the combined alarm/CD player on my bedside table. I borrowed the CD from Lindsey. She wouldn't mind and besides, she was at school. I waited for it to load before just randomly turning through the numbers. I only removed my hand when I was satisfied with the number.

I lay back down on the bed, rubbing a hand over my eyes. Eddie had pissed me off again and was quickly getting on my last nerve. The only thing he's done since I've known him is get on my nerves.

_I remember when it all first began we were tight right from the start_

I took my hand off my eyes, eyes wide. It was like she knew. Eddie and I were that way once.

_It wasn't long before you came on strong, tryin' hard to win my heart_

Eddie had been so persistent until I agreed to go out with him. I admit, there was an instant attraction I felt to him and it wasn't long before I fell for him.

_I played hard to get but I couldn't help but give up my heart in the end_

_You were thoughtful, careful not to hurt the relationship_

Believe it or not, Eddie used to be very sincere. He used to treat me like a princess; indulging for me. I thought my life couldn't get any better, that I had found the one for me. Once we got married though, that feeling disappeared.

_What happened to those days when you used to be compassionate_

_Caring what I thought and said, so attentive, a gentleman_

Eddie had been a gentleman long ago. He used to always want to hear my every thought that went on in my head. And I'd tell him. Then, he'd do the same for me. We used to be so much in love with each other.

_Now it's hard to turn your head away from the TV set_

_Taking me for granted lately and frankly it's gotta quit_

More like turning his head away from other women. Then again, I should have known better. We _did_ meet in a strip club. How did I possible think a man like him would only be with one woman for the rest of his life? Even after we got married. Maybe I expected too much from him.

_Ooh, I feel underappreciated_

_Now girls help me out if you know what I'm talkin' about_

_I said, I'm feelin' underappreciated for all the time and effort_

_I have put in this commitment _

I worked hard to make our love work. More like foolish love. When I had nights off, I would make romantic dinners for two. Sometimes he'd be there, other times he wouldn't. That should have a first clue to his cheating.

_Back again to the very beginning when our love was something new_

Maybe I should have listened to my best friend when he said to watch out for what trouble Eddie would bring.

_Back when romance was important not just another thing to do_

Ever notice how with every generation that passes, the idea or concept of love gets smaller? I mean, in ancient time, you saved yourself for one man. Then, the idea of more lovers along with your spouse came. And now, it's all about how many people you've been with. How can anyone say they're in love?

_I was feelin' high on love's delight, thought I'd never come back down_

Well, actually it was more I was high on drugs and the illusion of what Eddie could be some of the time.

_Now it seems that you and me have lost our solid ground_

Now we can hardly stand to be in the same room together. We only do it for Lindsey. Lindseythe one good thing to come out of my relationship with Eddie.

_After time I realized I seem to give more than I get_

_Funny how things seem to change after a few years commitment_

Exactly what happened to me. Just before I found out I was pregnant with Lindsey, I noticed a change in things. I noticed that I seemed to be doing everything around the apartment we had. At that point we had been together for a shocking five years. Hard to believe we were together so long. Even longer now.

_Used to talk for hours on end of our dreams while we lay in bed_

Shocking thing that Eddie and I actually had dreams. We had dreams of what our future would be like. I knew neither of us dreamed our future would be like it is new. Another shocker is that we actually talked in bed.

_I miss those days when you stayed awake,_

_Now you roll over and snore instead_

I'm lucky I got out when I did, granted it took me awhile to see his faults. Looking back, I don't regret my time with Eddie. It made me grow as a person. But there are things I'd do differently.

Now I just hope women out there don't make the same mistake I did.

_Ooh, I feel underappreciated_

_Now girls help me out if you know what I'm talkin' about_

_I said, I'm feelin' underappreciated for all the time and effort_

_I have put in this commitment_

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Hope you like it! Reviews are encouraging! 


	2. Cruz

Title: Chronicles

Author: sitarra

Rating: PG (will vary though)

Disclaimer: I own none of the CSI characters or the lyrics to every Christina Aguilera song I use. I am simply borrowing them.

Pairing: G/C eventually

Spoilers: in near future maybe. None right now

Summary: traveling through the seasons in the mind of Catherine Willows (and others)

A/N: Catherine's POV, season 2.

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**Cruz**

_I'm leavin' today_

_Livin' it, leavin' to change_

It startled me when I turned on my car, the volume up loud. But I didn't hate it.

_Slowly drifting into a peaceful breeze_

_Tongue tied and twisted are all my memories_

The song just shouted at me to listen to it. It also made me want to feel a fall breeze instead of the summer heat.

_Celebrating a fantasy come true_

_Packing all my bags, finally on the move_

That reminded me of when I left Eddie—for good. That had felt like the best day of my life. Also one of the sadder days. Much of our relationship was filled with bad times I'd rather forget but there were some few brief moments when everything was good.

_I'm leavin' today_

_Livin' it, leavin' to change_

I pulled out of my driveway and headed for work. I was actually early for a change. Something in the music made me want to roll my window down so I did and continued to listen.

_As I'm driving, I'm captured by the view_

_So much beauty, the road becomes my muse_

I can see what she means by that. Beyond so many horrible sights, parts of the world were untouched by it. They remained beautiful and full of inspiration.

_The heat is rising and my hand surfs through the wind_

_Cool, clam, collected is the child that lies within_

I laugh under my breath at that. Everyone's inner child was like that. Well, almost everyone. Greg made his inner child known whereas everyone else went to lengths to hide it.

I wonder if Eddie has an inner child.

_But somehow I miss it, I think I'll really miss it one day_

I did miss those good times with Eddie. The only thing he excelled at was showing people a good time.

_I turn up the radio and I feel like I've never felt before_

When I walked out that door, it felt so good. I remember feeling so high when I told Gil, my best friend, that I had left him for good.

_Turn down the memories of yesteryears and broken dreams I bring_

_Finally free_

It felt so good to finally be rid of all the abuse, mental and physical, he gave me. No longer would I have to cover up the bruises. All that was left to do after that was get rid of the horrible memories. The dreams I had already let go of but those memories would take longer.

_Slowly drifting into a peaceful breeze_

I could feel the smile growing on my face as I listened to the chorus a few more times. Leaving Eddie—definitely the best things I've ever done.

But at times, I still can't help but remember those good times.

_But somehow I miss it, I think I'll really miss it_

_One day_


	3. Make Over

Title: Chronicles

Author: sitarra

Rating: PG-13 for one word

Disclaimer: I own none of the CSI characters or the lyrics to every Christina Aguilera song I use. I am simply borrowing them.

Pairing: G/C eventually

Spoilers: in near future maybe. None right now

Summary: traveling through the seasons in the mind of Catherine Willows (and others)

A/N: This is Catherine's POV. Season 2.

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I set the CD player to shuffle the songs as I began to do laundry. It was my day off and Lindsey was with Eddie so I figured I'd catch up on cleaning.

A Latin flare came on, castanets, drums, and a guitar distinguishable to my ears. It was something that just made you want to dance to it.

I can't believe what you did to me 

Immediately my mind goes to Eddie. What was it about her songs that always made me think of Eddie? Maybe it was the fact that she's been through similar things and I can just relate.

Down on my knees and I need to break free 

_All these years you violated me_

Reading my mind. There are different definitions of violation but I think we both are in the same mind frame.

_I don't know why I can't feel inside._

That applied to both Eddie and my job. Seeing murdered children and victims of what I've been through killed me inside. It tore me apart even more when I learned everything about the case.

And Eddie, that just speaks for itself. Sure his abuse did that to me and so did the drugs.

_I try to hide, can't make it all right, it's overkill_

_Now I'm ready to fight_

And I was ready to fight. I fought back. That actually didn't go to well. The first time I ever spoke back to him was when the hitting and abuse started.

_I don't need nobody tryn' to make me over_

_I just wanna live simple and free_

That was all I wanted. I just wanted to live out of the grasp of Eddie. I can't say that he knowingly tried to change me, though. At least change me into something else besides a housewife. That was one thing I definitely wouldn't go for.

_Feeling confined like I'm bein' force fed_

Eddie always made me feel strangled almost. I'm by no means a claustrophobic person but with him, I felt like the biggest one in the world.

_Vision's blurry and I'm lost in regrets_

_It's overload and I'm outta control_

That's what it felt like every time I knocked back another line of coke. After awhile, I actually started to lose my eyesight temporarily. That's something that made me go into rehab. I regretted ever doing coke but it taught me a lot.

_So sick and tired of bein' so misused_

_You're takin' me down with all your metal abuse_

_And I said, I gotta get you outta my head_

Eddie constantly brought me down and so did my job, sometimes, but I keep going. I wasn't going to let anything ruin my life experience. I wanted to experience everything, see everything.

_Everybody's always tryin' to look me over_

_I just wanna live simple and free_

Maybe it was just the male race in general that looked me over. I could do the same things they could and they still passed me over. Obviously their parents hadn't taught them to treat the opposite sex equally.

_Leavin' the house around a quarter to five_

That sounded like me everyday.

_Zipped up my boots and I'm ready to ride_

_And I feel so high, I feel so alive_

Again with the drugs but at the same time, I got high on other things. Like when I solved a case that was way too exhausting or whenever I saw my daughter.

We had a new life now, Lindsey and me, and I loved it.

_Let down my hair, feel the wind on my skin_

I could feel just that. Luckily, I liked to wear my hair down. It made me feel good about myself.

_Crossin' the border where my new life begins_

_And I close my eyes and take it all in_

I swear if I was elsewhere, I'd do just that. I could still take in the feeling though. Like when every time I saw my little girl, I felt exhilarated. I knew my ultimate leaving Eddie moment had been right. She could hate me for it someday all she wants but I saved her when I could. I saved us both.

_I don't need nobody tryin' to make me over_

_I just wanna live simple and free_

When she's old enough, I'm going to teach her all about being her own person, not letting anyone control her. I'll do my hardest to save her through that torture.

Eddie could try to win custody over her all he wanted. He was never going to succeed. I'll make sure of that.

_I just wanna get away_

_Savin' all your bullshit for another day_

_I'm the only one that can rescue me from me_


	4. I'm OK

Title: Chronicles

Author: sitarra

Rating: PG-13 for mention of abuse

Disclaimer: I own none of the CSI characters or the lyrics to every Christina Aguilera song I use. I am simply borrowing them.

Pairing: G/C eventually

Spoilers: in near future maybe. None right now

Summary: traveling through the seasons in the mind of Catherine Willows (and others)

A/N: Lindsey's POV. Season 3

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**I'm OK**

Even though I loved my father dearly, he still did some pretty bad things. I was just always convinced it was the alcohol and drugs that did it to him.

But when I was watching my mother be comforted by my Uncle Gil just now, someone I know ha been there through everything with my mom, I knew it had been much worse than I ever could have imagined.

So, here I am now in my room, putting my favorite CD in to listen to a song where someone knew how I felt.

Once upon a time there was a girl 

_In her early years she had to learn_

She was preaching to the choir. I never thought much of it when I was younger but I sure thought of it now.

_How to grow up living in a war that she called home_ _Never knew just where to turn for shelter from the storm_

That's what my childhood was like. My mother took me to my aunt's so I wouldn't have to witness it but she didn't always succeed at that.

It hurt me to see the pain cross my mother's face 

_Every time my father's fist would put her in her place_

It did hurt to see that. My father was a very abusive man to my mother. From what she told me about their early life, he wasn't always like that. I could always see the bruises she would try to hide. I could always hear her crying at night when he left.

Hearing all the yelling I would cry up in my room 

_Hoping it would be over soon_

I remember the shouting matches I used to hear, the hateful words. My mom would always send me to my room and I didn't have to be told twice. It was better to hear the muffled argument than the up close argument. Well, actually it was better to hear no argument but life's not that perfect.

And I would cry in my room when I heard my mom silenced. I'd hide by my bed and hold my favorite stuffed animal close and cover my ears. But I could still hear it. I don't think anything in the world could silence that sound.

_Bruises fade father but the pain remains the same_

_And I still remember how you kept me so afraid_

_Strength is my mother for all the love she gave_

_And every morning that I wake I look back at yesterday_

_And I'm OK_

My father scared me so bad but to me, later on, he was a great man. I lost the fear I had for him somewhere along the way. My mom's constant love and being there helped me forget it. But I know she's not going to forget it anytime soon, even if he is dead now.

_I often wonder why I carry all this guilt_

_When it's you that helped me put up all these walls I've built_

I could have done something for my mother or at least I should have been able to. I built up walls that crumbled when I learned to love and trust my father again. My mom built walls that only my Uncle Gil could see through, that only he could bring down only for her to put them up again when he left.

_Shadows stir at night through a crack in the door_

_Echoes of a broken child screaming please no more_

I used to try to stop the abuse to my mom but I soon gave up when I saw he only beat her worse when she saved me from the sight.

_Daddy don't you understand the damage you have down_

_For you it's just a memory but for me it still lives on_

I don't think my dad ever gave what he was doing much thought. Sometimes I can still see the scene in my dreams, well nightmares. Sometimes I can hear my mother crying in the middle of the night. It breaks my heart.

Soon, she'd stop crying and then a short while later, I hear the front door opening and closing. Heavy and yet light footsteps would tread up the stairs and pass my door. My mom had called my Uncle Gil. My guess is that he helped her forget the pain but I knew there was something deeper there.

_It's not so easy to forget all the marks you left along her neck_

_When I was thrown against cold stairs_

My dad never tried to strangle my mom but there were still plenty of marks on her arms and face. I was never the abused but I can only imagine what it felt like.

I remember being scared to come home or come out of my room. My house was not a friendly place for the first five years of my life.

_And everyday afraid to come home in fear of what I might see next_


	5. Can't Hold Us Down

Title: Chronicles

Author: sitarra

Rating: PG (will vary though)

Disclaimer: I own none of the CSI characters or the lyrics to every Christina Aguilera song I use. I am simply borrowing them.

Pairing: G/C eventually

Spoilers: in near future maybe. None right now

Summary: traveling through the seasons in the mind of Catherine Willows (and others)

A/N: Catherine's POV, season 4, maybe late 3.

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**Can't Hold Us Down**

Ever notice how men think they're better at everything? I once had a man tell me that giving birth wasn't hard. I'd like to see him try 33 hours of labor. I mean, does he know what ten centimeters looks and feels like? 'Cause I do!

I shut the door to Gil's office which for now acted as my office. He was on leave because of his surgery so I was a substitute supervisor. Besides, I had a ton of paperwork to catch up on and I didn't want to be bothered.

I pulled out the CD player/radio Gil kept in his office. Lucky for me, I had burned a copy of Christina's CD so now I wouldn't have to keep borrowing Lindsey's. So naturally I put the CD in and listened to it while I did paperwork.

_So what am I not s'pposed to have an opinion_

_Should I keep quiet just because I'm a woman_

I loved this song. It spoke of every thing that was wrong with society. Men did everything in their power to make sure women had no input on things. It had to be stopped.

_Call me a bitch 'cause I speak what's on my mind_

_Guess it's easier for you to swallow if I sat and smiled_

Men just wanted you there to look pretty, not so you could voice your thoughts. They think if they get a woman's input, everything they worked for will collapse.

_When a female fires back suddenly big talker don't know how to act_

I love it when men get this look on their face if a woman actually says something back to them or defies them. I've done that many a time. Even at work. Let's just hope I don't get fired one day because of that.

_So he does what every little boy would do_

_Makin' up a few false rumors or two_

Then again, it would make sense. My boss is male. Plus men hate it when they don't get there way.

_That for sure is not a man to me, slanderin' names for popularity_

_It's sad you only get your fame through controversy _

That reminded me of Ecklie. It seemed all the man did was throw names around and make up lies about people and bad mouth them. More men than women but still.

_But now it's time for me to come and give you more to say_

Women should speak up more. It's amazing that there so few confidant ones out there. So many were afraid of voicing their thoughts because of overpowering boyfriends or husbands. I admit that was me when I was with Eddie but that's changed now.

_This is for all my girls all around the world_

_Who have come across a man that don't respect your worth_

_Thinkin' all women should be seen, not heard_

_So what do we do girls, shout out loud_

_Lettin' 'em know we're gonna stand our ground_

_So lift your hands higher and wave 'em proud_

_Take a deep breath and say it loud_

_Never can, never will_

_Can't hold us down_

Men wanted to look at women but they didn't want to hear what their thoughts were. Why don't men respect women? Why weren't we treated as equals?

_So what am I not s'pposed to say what I'm saying_

_Are you offended with the message I'm bringin'_

We needed more women like her around. Ones that don't care what others think. That or we needed better men around. Both would be perfect.

_Call me whatever 'cause your words don't mean a thing_

_Guess you ain't a man enough to handle what I sing_

You know, I've been called everything in the book and not a single thing has brought me down. Sure they made me think but I returned to my normal self. As long as I know the truth and so do others, let them call me whatever they want.

_If you look back in history, it's a common double standard of society_

And it is. Men always had to be the best so that made women work eve harder to become even better.

_The guy gets all the more he can score_

_While the girl can do the same and yet you call her a whore_

I admit I have called women whores but in those cases they really were. They had no respect for themselves and it's sad. They figured they had no skills except for sleeping around so they became hookers. That then led to them being called whores.

I'm not proud of it but I don't regret it.

_All my ladies come together and make a change_

_And start a new beginning for us, everybody sing_

We needed to lift our heads high and face all the horrible men we dealt with every day. We needed to let them know we aren't going to take it anymore.

Only one man has ever treated me like his equal, his exact equal. He values my every opinion, my every thought and I know it's not an act just to make me feel better. When Gil Grissom wanted to, he could be a real gentleman and ladies man. Every man could learn something from him.

_Nobody can hold us down…_

_Never can, never will…_

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There are more words but I decided to leave them out. Hope you liked it and could possibly relate to it! Reviews are welcome! 


	6. Get Mine, Get Yours

Title: Chronicles

Author: sitarra

Rating: R

Disclaimer: I own none of the CSI characters or the lyrics to every Christina Aguilera song I use. I am simply borrowing them.

Pairing: G/C finally

Spoilers: mention of Assume Nothing and Identity Crisis

Summary: traveling through the seasons in the mind of Catherine Willows (and others)

A/N: Catherine's POV, season 4. And I hope this is all in the right POV. I've never done First Person before this so I'm learning as I go along.

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****Get Mine, Get Yours**

Why does this happen to me every time? Why don't I stop it from happening before it happens? Why do I bother asking myself these stupid questions after every time?

I slam my car door shut but don't bother starting the car. I lean my head against the back of the seat, thinking about certain activities that took place only a few hours ago. I laugh softly to myself. This was also something I did after every encounter.

Why is he so irresistible to me? Why can't I turn away from the opportunity?

Because I don't want to. I don't want to say no; I want it just as much as he does. It's our way of relaxing after a hard case. Or it's just our way of being close to someone.

But after all these "encounters", I should be used to these thoughts and feeling by now.

I stop my dwelling and start the car. Christina's voice immediately came on. Soar finished and when the next song came on, I can't help but pay attention to it.

_Baby you pretend that things ain't what they seem_

Even though it just started, I can already tell what it was going to talk about. I just knew what somehow it was going to be quite similar to my current situation.

_All this tension on titling just exactly what we should be_

Isn't this ironic that this is the song playing next? I pull away from the dark townhouse and head home but my mind and soul are still very much inside with the man still sleeping in bed.

_Baby I don't mind us bein' some kinda casual thing_

I guess this would be the place where I explain my situation. For the last two years, Gil Grissom and I have been "sex buddies," as people I know would put it. But it's much more than just sex, believe me. It started after the final Paul Millander case. When I heard the call that there was a dead male and female at the house of Isabelle Millander, I lost all ability to breath. I went to his townhouse that night to assure myself that he was all right, that I hadn't lost one of the best things that had ever happened to me. I'd be lost without him. I'll gladly admit that.

Moving on, I don't remember how it happened or what led up to it but we ended up in bed together. I remember feeling so content the next morning. We never really talked about it nut somehow we came to the arrangement we're currently in. Our friendship is still as strong as the day before it started. The sex has brought us closer in a way.

_Listen all I wanna do for now is have you come and take all of me_

_Can you…_

We seem to know whenever it is that we each need comfort. That's what the sex is to us, comfort, knowing someone's there. It's also our way of releasing the carnal desire we seem to build up during cases.

_Put your hands on my waistline_

_Want your skin up against mine_

_Move my hips to the baseline_

_Let me get mine, you get yours_

_(But don't fall in love)_

_Hang a please don't disturb sign_

_Put my back into a slow grind_

_Spinnin' chills up and down my spine_

_Let me get mine, you get yours_

Who would have known that under those Forensic jackets and loose shirts was a gorgeous body? He might not have the body of … say, a model but he's still built solid. I crave his body.

And that beard. He was sexy before it but even more so now. His deep, even tan was irresistible. You wouldn't believe how many heads he turned. But his looks are only a fraction of the things that attract me to him.

His mind, the way he speaks, what he says, his odd sense of humor and how I understand it, everything about him turns me on.

_If you see me with a man understand that you can't question me_

_The feelings that you caught ain't my fault, I can't help your jealousy_

The only man he ever saw me with was Eddie. I don't know if he was jealous of him, though.

I know I saw him with other women, and it did make me jealous. First there was Teri Miller but I guess that was kind of my fault. Then there was Lady Heather. I found out about that by listening to gossip in the lab. I don't have all the details and I don't want them. I'm just thrilled nothing came from it.

There was also a stripper that was making moves on him about two months ago. I didn't care for that at all. There are women he looks at but I know they mean nothing to him. There's more but I'm not even going to touch that.

_If you can handle the fact that what we have has got to be commitment free_

_Then we can keep this undercover lovin' comin' hidden' underneath the sheets_

_Can you…_

We never talked about a commitment between us. Unless you count talking about a lifetime friendship. Maybe neither of us were looking for anything too serious at the time and that's why we never talked about it. I think we'd be quite compatible for a relationship. We know everything about each other, know the other's habits. We care for each other. How perfect can it get?

Right now, all I know is that this is the best commitment I've made in the longest time.

_Now listen, come on and freak my body_

_We can get nasty naughty_

Surprisingly he is pretty talented in bed. One would never know unless experiencing it for themselves how talented he is with his hands. He always leaves me breathless when he explores my body with those extraordinary hands. Many women in the lab would be jealous if they knew one woman they personally knew was getting that kind of attention from him.

_All night a private party_

_Gotta hit that spot just right_

_Work me like a 9 to 5_

He also has quite the stamina. The stamina of a young man just married I'd say. Not that I'd personally know but I can guess.

_It ain't about the kissin' and huggin'_

'_Cause this is a physical lovin' _

His kisses, that is another incredible thing about him to add to the long list. He has the sweetest lips. We never overlook that part. It's just as important as the sex. And the things he can do with that mouth. It gives me chills just thinking about it.

_Straight sweatin' our bodies are rubbin'_

Things do get pretty hot in the bedroom. Sometimes though, things get started in the hallway. He would press me up against the wall or a door and he'd get this look in his eyes. That same look I knew was in my eyes. The he would either kiss me or turn his attention to the side of my neck. I'd be in heaven and then we'd move things to the bedroom. Clothes would come flying off in a hurry or sometime, okay most of the time, we'd take it slow like it was our first time or something.

_Gotta hit that spot just right_

_Work me like a 9 to 5_

He's actually quite dominant in the bedroom also. I never would have guessed it unless experiencing it. Normally I'm the dominant one in bed and I'm okay with it that way. But with him, I like it. Actually I love it. Maybe I'm always the dominant one because the men I've been with never were. Maybe I've been craving for that certain man to come along and ignore my dominance and take charge.

But honestly, doesn't every woman want that?

_We have a physical thing_

_We make love but we don't fall in love_

That may not be true. We certainly have feelings for each other but I don't know it they're feelings of love. We certainly have an attraction to each other, though. I'll repeat myself: I find him absolutely irresistible. He … intoxicates the air I breathe. He fills my every thought night and day. I see his eyes in my dreams.

_We spend time_

_Just enough so you get your and I get mine_

I used to leave after we were through. Now I stay until morning. You'd think that after we're through offering our services to one another that we'd roll over separate ways and go to sleep. Not us. We'll cuddle close to each other and talk about nothing in particular. He'll wrap me up in his arms, I'll lay a hand on his chest and I love every minute of it. Our hands will entwine together as we talk.

_No strings attached_

I can't believe it's been two years since it started. Seems like just yesterday I was waking up in his arms for the first time, in a sexual way at least. A part of me understands why we don't talk about it but the other half of me doesn't. Just once we should bring it out into the open. Then again, maybe we shouldn't.

Knowing us, we'll bring it up at work first which would circulate rumors around the lab. Greg would get everybody talking and every time we were seen together, people would stare. We'd be put on display until people found something better to talk about.

Then the part of me that understands why we don't talk about it. We have a good thing going. It relieves our tension and gives us comfort at the same time. We don't want to ruin that. I know I don't

_I want your body_

_Not your heart_

That couldn't be farther from the truth. It started out as me just wanting his body and I'm sure he wanted mine (and that's not some cocky, over-confidant remark) but now I'm not sure how I feel. I'm getting older. Not that many good men come my way anymore. Honestly, I'm not sure there's even a good man out there, the type I want anyway. Except for Gil. I wasn't even sure a man like him existed before I met him. There's a whole other level of feelings I have now concerning him. It's no longer a loving friendship. I love him. I love my best friend, my supervisor.

Oh, my god.

I love Gil Grissom.

_Let me get mine, you get yours_


	7. Impossible

Title: Chronicles

Author: sitarra

Rating: PG

Disclaimer: I own none of the CSI characters or the lyrics to every Christina Aguilera song I use. I am simply borrowing them.

Pairing: G/C finally

Spoilers: maybe

Summary: traveling through the seasons in the mind of Catherine Willows (and others)

A/N: Catherine's POV, season 4. In between Fur and Loathing and Jackpot.

**

* * *

**

**Impossible**

It's been a week since I admitted to myself that I love Gil. I still can't believe it. I'm in love with my boss. That can't be good. But at the same time it feels so right. He's that one perfect man every woman dreams about when they're young. The one that she envisions in all her dreams and fantasies. Gil is that man for me. I think I want to spend the rest of my life with him. No, I know I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

Since I came into my revelation, the two of us have talked about our arrangement. Unlike I thought, we actually brought it up at his townhouse rather than work. But even if it had been at work, nothing would have gained other's attention. It was a quiet, calm conversation.

We talked about our friendship and how it's grown. We talked about not keeping secrets anymore. I listened to him tell me how I've become more important to him and not just as a body but as an actually person. But I was too afraid to tell him how I felt. For all I know, right now it's just an infatuation but deep down inside, I know it's not.

I'm well aware what infatuations feel like now and I know this is different. This is the real thing. It's something I've never felt before.

Right now I can't help but feel he's pulling away from me just a little. Not pulling away like he did before he had his surgery but pulling away like I see him around the lab less. Sure we see each other a day or two out of the week outside of work but we typically aren't talking then.

I want us to talk more about personal things and not the things we already know. I want us to spend the rest of our lives together either as friends or lovers or a couple. I want to tell him how I feel.

So now I'll do the only thing I know how to do at a time like thins. I'll listen to Christina.

_It's impossible_

This is a good song. Alicia Keys was on the piano and Christina was obviously the vocals. I thought it fit my mood perfectly.

_It's impossible to love you_

It wasn't hard to love him but many would think that. People at the lab think he's incapable of human feelings but I know he has them. Women threw themselves at him and when he ignored them they either figured he was gay, incapable of love, or they tried even harder. Like Sara. Gil told me all about Sara and her attempts and I still can't stop laughing at it. I don't see why Sara just doesn't give up. Gil doesn't want her; he doesn't even think of her like that. If he wants any woman, it's me and again that's not just a cocky, over-confident remark.

_If you don't let me know what you're feeling, yeah_

Anyway back to Gil and my feelings. Most of the time, I know what he's feeling. His mood or a certain expression will give that away. But sometimes I just can't figure him out. He'll close people out when he's angry or depressed. He'll smile and joke and flirt when he's exceptionally happy. Those are the times I know what he feels.

Then there are the times when I'm not quite sure what he's feeling but I know he wants to be left alone. He's a complex and yet simple man. Half of the time he probably doesn't even understand himself.

_It's impossible for me to give you what you need_

_If you're always hiding from me_

What's impossible is trying to figure out this songs meaning for me.

He used to hide from me but not anymore. I used to be unable to tell his exact thoughts and mood when he completely blew me off. Now I understand why he did it. He knew I'd know something was wrong with him and he was right. I would have figured it out soon enough.

I was on to him during the Havilland case. Sure, he could have asked her to repeat her words to be dramatic I suppose but I knew that something was wrong. I let it go for the time being and didn't confront him. But as time went by I realized something was very wrong.

I know why he wasn't pairing us up on cases together as often. Because he knew I'd figure out the problem. I didn't make him tell me; I knew he'd tell me when he was ready.

That was a time I understood him and at the same time I didn't.

_I don't know what hurt you, I just_

_I wanna make it right_

So many things have hurt Gil over the years but he never faltered. He was still as strong as ever.

He saw heartache everyday at work but he kept coming back. When his mother was diagnosed with a chronic illness, I held him as he cried for hours but he still had his head held high. When he got the news that she pulled though surgery okay, I was there to see the enormous smile spread across his handsome face.

He may have been hurt by a woman in the past but if he has, he hasn't told about it.

Despite all these bad things, he's still the same strong, confident man I met nineteen years ago.

'_Cause boy I'm sick and tired of tryin' to read your mind_

I don't have that problem anymore. I used to get so frustrated because I wouldn't know what he was thinking, but now if I ask, he tells me.

Mostly that occurs when we're lying in bed, our bodies still cooling off. He'd start to run a hand through my hair and that's when I knew he was in thought. I'd cuddle up close to him, wrapping an arm securely around his mid-section, and ask what was going through that head of his.

The answers vary but he always told me. And if he asked me, I'd tell him. I can deny him nothing.

'_Cause it's impossible _

_Oh baby it's impossible for me to love you, this way_

_It's impossible_

_Oh baby it's impossible_

_If you're makin' it this way_

It's funny. Loving him is the easiest thing I've ever done. Even when he shuts me out, I still love him. I don't think it's possible for me not to love him.

_Impossible to make it easy_

_If you're always tryin' to make it so damn hard_

Oh, god. What am I going to do? There's no way we can continue in our arrangement with my feelings the way they are. Knowing me, I'll let it slip and it would scare him off because he doesn't feel the same.

_How can I, how can I give you all my love baby_

_If you're always, always puttin' up your guard_

He can put up his guard all he wants but I'm gonna keep on loving him. And if anything, I'm the one putting up the walls. No offense to him but I don't think he's dated enough women to even begin to build up walls.

_This is not a circus, don't you play me for a clown_

_How long can emotions keep on going up and down?_

What if he doesn't feel the same? What if this was all one-sided? I had to let him know but I didn't want to make a fool of myself.

Should I tell him? Should he know what I feel for him? Should I confess that I don't think I can live without him?

I think for now I'll just let the song finish so I can contemplate my emotions.

'_Cause it's impossible _

_Oh baby it's impossible for me to love you, this way_

_It's impossible_

_Oh baby it's impossible_

_If you're makin' it this way_

* * *

I took liberties with Grissom's past. I like to keep his mother alive so I had the chronic illness takes death's place. I don't have a specific illness, just one that keeps her safe and alive. Up next is a bonus chapter, no song just thoughts and dialogue. Hope you enjoyed! 


	8. Bonus Jackpot

Title: Chronicles 

Author: sitarra

Rating: R

Disclaimer: I own none of the CSI characters. I am simply borrowing them.

Pairing: G/C finally

Spoilers: Jackpot

Summary: traveling through the seasons in the mind of Catherine Willows (and others)

A/N: Catherine's POV, season 4. **NO SONG**. I was watching Jackpot one day and thought of this idea so here is the first bonus chapter. It's a bit long but I'm kinda down after some news I read about the rest of CSI. Also it might seem a bit uncharacteristic but I don't care; I wanted it this way because it's a nice image when you're down.

It starts off in the present time before Gil gets back from Jackpot. Then it takes you back to before he left and then your brought back to current time. Hope that makes sense.

**

* * *

**

**Bonus - Jackpot**

I placed the last page of paperwork from one pile into the finished pile. Only about a million left to go. I took the next group and began work on it.

I couldn't help but let my mind wander. I thought back to a couple of evenings ago. I was at Gil's, stirring my coffee when he came out from the shower. He came into the kitchen, an unbuttoned blue dress shirt hanging from his frame. He walked around the counter and stood behind me after I handed him the cup of coffee I poured for him.

"Thank you," he said to me before taking a tentative sip. I felt his presence leave me but only for a second.

I placed my mug on the counter top and turned around to face him when he came back. That evening, I was still wearing my pajamas at the time, a form-fitting blue tank top and matching shorts whereas Gil was already dressed and ready for work, except for the still unbuttoned shirt. He looked so good I just wanted to reach out and touch him. So I did.

"How come you're ready so early? You usually don't take a shower until after I do," I said, pulling him back to me. I swear, looking at us in the privacy of his home, you'd think we were a couple. In a way we were.

"David paged me. Al has received something perishable. I'm heading down there early to check it out," he explained, holding up his beeper before putting it in his pocket.

"And what'd you threaten him with to give you information like that?" I asked with a pleasant smile.

Luckily, he returned it. He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me even closer. The tank top didn't completely cover my stomach so when his fingers brushed against my bare skin, chills went up and down my body making me weak in the knees.

"Nothing. I arranged house seats for him to see Celine."

"That must have cost you."

"It's worth it."

I couldn't help but laugh at his words. He truly was devoted to his work. Plus, it fascinated him. It wasn't until two years ago that I got him to actually spend time ding other things on his day off. Like me, he had a half day Saturday and his day off on Sunday.

Since Eddie died, Lindsey needed and missed that father figure in her life. Gil was like that replacement but at the same time he wouldn't let her forget Eddie. He might have the same feelings about Eddie that I do but he knew what kind of father he was. He was a good father to Lindsey but in my eyes, Gil was an even better one.

So on Sundays, we spent it with Lindsey doing whatever she wanted to do. Lindsey loved it and I knew Gil did too. He's like a permanent member of our family now. Pretty much, if I'm not at work or spending time with Lindsey, I'm with Gil. Sometimes we were with Lindsey, sometimes alone.

Lindsey loved having him around. She even brought up to me one day that the two of us should become a couple. Hopefully her wishes would one day come true.

Gil's beeper went off again. Before he could move to get it, I slid my hand down his body and slipped it into his front left pocket. I felt his body stiffen as my hand touched his bare skin. My eyes remained locked with his as I brought the beeper up to view.

"It's David. Says it's a head," I told him, handing it to him. He barely looked at it before practically throwing it on the counter. I could see the fire in his eyes, the look of desire he had. He drew me even closer if possible, his chest pressing into mine. It was one of the most glorious feelings.

"I guess I should go then and check it out." His voice was low and rich with lust. It was taking all my self-control not to pounce on him.

"I guess you better. He could need your help." I had a smile on my face and I had no idea why. "But if you want to stay, I wouldn't mind. I'm sure we can find … something… to occupy our time."

I helped my words along by running my hands down his hair-covered. I went slow feeling every muscle beneath my fingertips. I heard him groan softly, his palms laying firm on my lower back.

"As… tempting as that sounds," he paused here to place a gentle kiss on my lips that left me wanting more, "a part of me really does want to check it out."

I kissed him this time, half to change his mind and half just because I wanted to. I made sure to tease him, making sure to touch him in all the places I knew he loved to be touched. When my hands graced over his belt and continued moving south, that's when he stopped my fun. He grabbed my hands and brought them up to his lips, brushing his lips over my knuckles.

"As pleasurable as you are as well as our activities, I don't want to take _another_ shower. Especially a cold one."

"Are you sure? We could take a shower together but it definitely wouldn't be a cold one," I tempted him. I smiled when I saw his eyes close and heard the groan escape from his lips.

"Please don't tease. We already know you win every time."

"Well, not every time." We both smiled at the memory. "But I suppose I can let you go."

"Thank you."

"As long as you promise to button up your shirt before you go," I said, glancing down at his chest. I began to slowly button it up for him. I'll admit, I was much better at taking it off of him than I was at putting it on. I never really liked seeing him with his shirt on actually. "I don't want you on display and I know you don't want to be on display."

He raised his eyebrows. "Territorial?"

"Extremely."

I couldn't resist myself or the temptation so I kissed him again. This time I slid my hands around his waist, once again traveling south. His lips curled upward in a smile when my hands slid into his back pockets. I loved it when he wore jeans.

The kiss was slow, languid, full of passion. And as I've said, one glance at us and you'd swear we were a couple but we weren't. We were just very affectionate with each other. Truth is I wasn't sure what we were but more than anything I wished we were a couple.

I decided to tease him more by biting his lower lip, an act I knew he loved.

"Have I ever told you how much I love it when you wear jeans?" I murmured against his lips. I kissed him gently. "Because I do. I love it when you wear jeans."

"Have I ever told you how much I love it when I see you wearing one my shirts or nothing at all?" His breath was warm against my lips, making me weak in the knees again. "Because I do."

I had adopted a few of his shirts and dress shirts, even a few of his sweatpants and pajama pants. They were comfortable and I loved the look he got in his eyes when he saw me wearing something of his. And I think we both loved it when we wore nothing at all. That meant ultimate pleasure wasn't too far away.

"Why are you such a tease?" he asked when I squeezed his glorious tush.

"Because it's my nature. Besides, I don't hear you complaining. In fact, I'd say you enjoy it very much."

After about another five minutes of teasing, he left me in the kitchen to get his things for work. I chose to occupy my time looking at the paper we brought in that morning. By the time he came out all ready, I was getting the crossword puzzle out. He got me hooked on it so now I started it and he finished what I couldn't do.

He gave me a soft, tender kiss before making his way to the door.

"Enjoy the freak show," I called out. All I got was a smile over the shoulder before he was gone.

So that put me back in Gil's office doing paperwork-alone. Normally I did paperwork with Gil but since he asked, I decided to do what I could of his paperwork. He had ever growing piles but luckily some were growing smaller. But being in the presence of Gil made me forget how boring paperwork was.

"And here I thought you wouldn't do my paperwork for your pay."

I didn't have to look up at the doorway to know who that was. I missed that voice greatly.

"You owe me," I said, still not looking up.

"Yes, yes. We've established that. "I signed my signature and placed the paper in the out box. I finally let my eyes grace him, my eyes taking in the same attire he had been sporting two days before. He still looked good, though.

I stood as he began to walk toward the desk. He had this look on his face, one of surprise and surprisingly lust. There was also something in there I couldn't detect yet but I knew I'd be hearing about it later.

"So have you thought of ways to pay you back yet or can I free from the torture?" he asked dryly, setting a few various items on his desk. He knew me better than that.

I stopped in front of him, taking his highly skilled, masculine hands in mine. I laced our fingers together and pulled our bodies close. I could've cared less that the door was open; I just wanted to feel his body against mine.

"For starters," I whispered, leaning in close to him, "we can go to your place. Lindsey's at camp on a school fieldtrip and you know how much I hate an empty house."

"Yes, I do." His voice was strangled, his eyes were glossing over. I loved it. Wordlessly, we gathered what we needed, locked the office, and headed for the parking lot. He slipped a hand in mine once we exited the building. I chose this moment to recite the rest of his payment.

"You also owe me…"

"I knew it sounded too good to be true," he groaned.

I smiled, "You also owe me two dinners, one on the town, and two breakfasts. No deadline but I'll never let you forget until it's paid."

He nodded, accepting my demands. We stopped at his car on the passenger's side. I leaned back against the car, his body leaning into mine. We were getting more daring. I don't think we'd ever stood so close in public before, especially where co-workers could see us. Maybe he did feel the same way I did after all.

"Anything else, my dear?" His voice was sultry, something you'd normally expect from me and not him.

I placed a hand on his beard covered cheek, a seductive smile forming on my face. I tilted my face towards him, leaning up to whisper in his ear, "I think you know."

I watched the smug smile form before my eyes before deciding to get into the car. It wasn't too long before he was in and we were racing for his townhouse.

* * *

We stumbled through the front door, our hands otherwise occupied. He shut the door with his foot and proceeded to lead me backwards to his bedroom. But… we were far too impatient to let all activities take place in the bedroom.

I got his shirt unbuttoned just as he pressed me against the wall across from his kitchen. I arched my back into him when his lips traveled down to the sensitive skin of my neck.

"Oh, god," I moaned as he began sucking the skin, branding me as his and his alone. And I didn't care; I'd do the same to him.

We continued on our trek to the bedroom, rounding the corner only for me to be pinned against the outside bathroom wall. Sometimes, there was such a thing as a good kind of pain.

"Bedroom," I gasped out when his hands came in contact with my bare stomach when he pushed the fabric up.

He granted me my wish, gripping my thighs for me to wrap my legs around his waist. He brought his lips back to mine, capturing them in a slow kiss.

He carried me to his bedroom, depositing me on his bed. He leaned over me, his deep blue eyes staring into mine. I'd die a thousand times over if it meant I got even one glimpse into his eyes.

What seemed to be a staring match between us didn't last long. I brought his lips crashing to mine, needing to feel his soft lips.

"I missed you," he told me softly, trailing kisses down the side of my face.

Inside, my heart was soaring at those words. "I missed you, too. Very much. It's not the same without you here."

"You know," he murmured against my neck, his lips still traveling downward. "While I was in Jackpot, everyone thought you were my wife."

His kisses stopped as did my responses but it wasn't because of disgust at being called his wife. On the contrary, I loved the sound of it. Catherine Grissom. It had a nice ring to it.

"Really?" I wondered, pulling his body to lie against mine.

"Yeah, the sheriff was the first to mention it. It was after you called me the first time. He asked me if I was having trouble with the misses."

"And what did you say?"

"I said that you hated when we were apart."

I wrapped my arms around his neck. "You got that right."

I pulled his head down to meet my lips in another kiss but he stopped me with a whisper.

"So you're not disgusted at being called my wife?" he asked, his lips barely brushing against mine as he spoke.

"No but," I chose that as the moment to scoot back to rest my head against the pillows. He followed, resting himself in between my legs. "You can tell me what exactly we are, though."

My eyes shifted to the collar of his shirt but I could feel his eyes still on me.

"Not that I'm necessarily asking for something serious but it's been over two years now. We're definitely not in the same place as when we started this. I mean, people who start these kinds of arrangements don't grow as close or become as affectionate as we have," I rambled on. He stopped me by placing a finger over my lips.

My eyes shifted back to his.

"Catherine…" he breathed but he said nothing after that.

"Or did I just ruin everything by mentioning that?" I whispered after he removed his finger.

"No, no," he urged. "You just got me thinking again."

"Again?" I repeated, not understanding what he meant.

He nodded. "I was thinking about us on the way back from Jackpot. You're right; we're more than what we started out as."

"What would you describe us as?" I urged.

"I honestly don't know. Best friends, lovers… maybe more," he explained slowly, deliberately.

I was hesitant with my next words. "Would you say that you love me? Love me as more than a friend, a lover?"

The breath left my body as he stared me straight in the eye. "Yes, I can honestly say that I love you."

"Really?" I could feel the tears stinging at my eyes. Joyful tears if he confirmed what my heart prayed for. Sorrowful tears if my heart was shattered.

"Yes. I can honestly look you in the eyes and say that I'm in love with you. I love you, Catherine Willows," he whispered.

I felt a tear escape from my eye as I smiled the biggest smile I had ever smiled in my life. "I love you, too, Gil Grissom."

We smiled foolishly at each other until our minds focused on what we had been doing before this conversation started. His lips came clashing down on mine, pleasure coursing through my entire body. I arched my back into him and allowed him to remove the shirt I was wearing. His shirt followed closely after as did the rest of our clothes.

Needless to say, that was the most pleasurable night of my entire life.

* * *

There you have it! The first but not last bonus chapter and by far the most daring thing I have ever written. Hopefully that daring streak will continue to expand, but then again you never know.

Hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing it!


	9. Walk Away

Title: Chronicles 

Author: sitarra

Rating: PG

Disclaimer: I own none of the CSI characters or the lyrics to every Christina Aguilera song I use. I am simply borrowing them.

Pairing: G/C finally

Spoilers:

Summary: traveling through the seasons in the mind of Catherine Willows (and others)

A/N: Catherine's POV, season 4. And I hope this is all in the right POV. I've never done First Person before this so I'm learning as I go along.

This was actually the first chapter I ever wrote so some things may seem out of place.

* * *

**Walk Away**

I turned on the radio in my car. I flipped through the stations quickly before putting in my favorite CD. I hit shuffle on my CD player. Number three came up first, one I surprisingly hadn't heard. A piano started it off slowly before Christina spoke.

_What do you do when you know something's bad for you and you still can't let go?_

I turned the volume up and pulled out of the CSI parking lot. My attention was focused solely on her words and driving home safely. Especially when I slammed on the brakes to stop from colliding into the car in front of me at a stoplight.

I was naïve, your love was like candy 

_Artificially sweet, I was deceived b_y_ the wrapping_

The words reminded me so much of Eddie and when I first met and fell in love with him.

Got caught in you web and I learned how to bleed 

Oh, yeah, definitely Eddie.

I was prey in you bed and devoured completely 

It was like she was reading my mind. It's like she knew what I had experienced with Eddie.

I fell hard for him. He had so much appeal to me when I met him and now I hate the man more than anything. The only thing he's good for is being a father to Lindsey but he's not always good at that.

Oh, and it hurts my soul 'cause I can't let go 

_All these walls are cavin' in_

_I can't stop my sufferin'_

_I hate to show that I've lost control 'cause I_

_I keep goin' right back to the one thing that I need_

_To walk away from _

Exactly what happened to me. I kept going back to him time after time, argument after argument, hit after hit. I lost control of my life shortly when I was with him. Didn't know one day from the next. I got hooked on cocaine and then I suffered through the process of getting clean. Damn near went insane.

_I should have known that I was used for amusement_

Couldn't see through the smoke, it was all an illusion 

My mind flashed back to my dancing days. I was a toy for every man that came to the French Palace. I was even a toy for Eddie. I was like his trophy wife, someone he could show off with pride. The face I put on was an act. I hated when he showed me off.

_Now, I've been lickin' my wounds but the venom seeps deeper (deeper, deeper)_

_We both can seduce but darlin' you, darlin' you hold me prisoner_

Eddie could be pretty persuasive when he wanted sex. We both could but he was worse. It was as if he controlled me. Now I have to fight off the nightmares of his beatings but it'll always be embedded deep within my mind.

Oh, I'm about to break, I can't stop this ache 

_I'm addicted to your allure, and I'm fiendin' for a cure_

_Every step I take leads to one mistake,_

_I keep goin' right back to the one thing that I need_

_I can't mend this sore state I'm in, getting' nothing in return_

_What did I do to deserve the pain of this slow burn_

_And everywhere I turn I keep goin' right back to the one thing that I need_

_To walk away from_

Thank god those days with Eddie had ended. I was addicted to everything about him. I did everything for him and I never got anything in return. Everything I went through with him was painful. I thought my life was going to end.

Every time I try to grasp for air, I am smothered in despair 

_It's never over, over_

Every time I left him, he sucked me back in. He could be so damn persuasive sometimes.

Seems I'll never wake from this nightmare, I let out a silent prayer 

_Let it be over, over_

I can't even begin to count all the nightmares he caused me, how many times I woke up screaming or crying.

_Inside I'm screaming, begging pleading no more_

I'm finally out now.

_Now what to do, my heart has been bruised, so sad but it's true_

_Each beat reminds me of you_

When Eddie died, I was hurt but at the same time I was relieved. The torture and pain I had endured was finally put to rest along with the man who caused it.

There was a part of me that sincerely missed him. Despite all his faults, Lindsey still loved him and once upon a time, I had too.

But for now, I'm just going to walk away from the subject.

Need to get away from ya, need to walk away from ya 

_Get away, walk away, walk away_


	10. Fighter

Title: Chronicles

Author: sitarra

Rating: PG

Disclaimer: I own none of the CSI characters or the lyrics to every Christina Aguilera song I use. I am simply borrowing them.

Pairing: G/C finally

Spoilers: maybe

Summary: traveling through the seasons in the mind of Catherine Willows (and others)

A/N: Catherine's POV, season 4.

**

* * *

**

**Fighter**

_After all you put me through; you'd think I despise you_

_But in the end I wanna thank you, 'cause you made me that much stronger_

Ever hear one of those songs that makes you feel so powerful but at the same time kind of sad? That's what this song does to me. There is such a powerful vibe to the song that gives women such a strong feeling, it makes them feel … well, powerful.

But me, I start thinking about Eddie and Paul Newsome or any man I've ever been with. Except Gil, of course. The relationship I have with him is excellent, always has been.

Anyway, according to Gil, I deserve so much better than the men I've gone out with. I believe him now, not that I hadn't when he told me the first time. No woman should have to endure abuse on a daily basis.

In Paul's case, I used him more than he used me but still.

_Well I thought I knew you, thinkin' that you were true_

Yep, I was that way. It's like some kind of trap those types of men have.

Eddie and I met while I was still stripping but it was toward the end of my days. He had the look of a guy who frequented strip clubs but he didn't talk like it. He treated me great, like royalty. And then came that fateful day when I was walking down the street and ran into a man named Gil Grissom. Actually, that happened before I met Eddie but I didn't realize the importance of Gil until that day. In a way, he was like my savior.

_Guess I, I couldn't trust called your bluff time is up_

'_Cause I've had enough_

Eddie took an immediate disliking to this man who was offering me a new and better life. I quit stripping, much to Eddie's dislike, and started spending all the time I could with Gil and at the lab. He got me an interview for the lab and I got the job. That's where I started off. And then I began my training for the filed. Eddie hated that even more. He had turned to violence the first time I came home early in the morning, accusing me of sleeping with Gil. The more I denied it, the more he hit me.

_You were there by my side, always down for the ride_

_But your joy ride just came down in flames 'cause your greed sold me out in shame_

Taking a second mortgage out on our house wasn't the first time he had stolen from me. I don't think he'd ever done an honest days work in all the time I knew him. And let me tell you, the music business he was in was very fleeting.

_After all of the stealing and cheating you probably think that _

_I hold resentment for you_

_But uh uh, oh no, you're wrong_

When I first found out, or rather saw with my own two eyes, Eddie was cheating on me, I was hurt and disgusted. I stayed on those feelings for a while but they eventually went away. I had my best friend by my side to help me through. Of course, I did hate him for the smallest amount of time but it went away as well.

Seeing that was proof to myself that I deserved better.

'_Cause if it wasn't for all you tried to do, I wouldn't know_

_Just how cable I am to pull through_

As I'm sure I've stated before, leaving Eddie was the best thing I ever did. It showed me I developed a thicker skin, I grew stronger. I could fight back and readily anticipate the punch I knew were coming at me. Not that I wanted to be hit but I would be ready for it.

_So I wanna say thank you_

'_Cause it…_

If Eddie was alive today I'd thank him for helping me become the person I am today. A lot of it was actually Gil's constant care and friendship but Eddie played a part, too.

_Makes me that much stronger_

_Makes me work a little bit harder_

_It makes me that much wiser_

_So thanks for makin' me a fighter_

_Made me learn a little bit faster_

_Made y skin a little bit thicker_

_Makes me that much smarter_

_So thanks for makin' me a fighter_

When Eddie and I got married, it was paradise but only for a short while. Part of the reason we got married was because I was pregnant. There was a problem on my part though. I wasn't so sure my newly created child was Eddie's.

That's something I've never mentioned. Twelve years ago, I had an "encounter" with Gil. We never mentioned that night after it happened. We also never put the possible two and two together. Thank god, though, that Lindsey looks like me. Her eyes are awfully familiar though.

Anyway, that all happened because after the honeymoon phase was over for me and Eddie, I threw myself into my work. I worked long hours with Gil, I spent a lot of time at his townhouse and not just because of Eddie's abuse. Little did I know that one day Eddie would get back at me in the worst way possible.

_Never saw it coming, all of your backstabbing_

_Just so you could cash in on a good think before I realized your game_

I got served with a notice from Child Services that I was on watch due to supposed negligence of Lindsey. My first thought was it was a joke. Then I thought of what a bastard Eddie was when the child service's man's expression didn't change. Then all I felt was sheer panic. What if he actually succeeded and took my baby away fro me? I couldn't have dealt with that.

She was more my child than she was Eddie's. She might not even be Eddie's child! That was a test I was still postponing however.

_I heard your goin' round playin' the victim now_

_But don't even begin feeling I'm the one to blame_

'_Cause you dug your own grave_

As I witnessed during Eddie's case, he made me out to be the bad person in our relationship. I admit, I had my faults but they weren't anything I couldn't improve.

We were both at blame for our failing marriage but more him than me. He just seemed to make one mistake after another in my eyes. He had no steady job, he beat me, he was always on drugs, and he started cheating on me. I couldn't be with a man like that.

_After all of the fights and the lies 'cause you're wanting to haunt me_

_But that won't work anymore, no more, it's over_

I wonder how many lies a person can take until they catch on. Would that person begin to notice the lies repeat? Would they see how the person had an immediate answer for everything?

'_Cause if it wasn't for all of yo8u torture_

_I wouldn't know how to be this way now and never back down_

I gradually grew more confident, stronger. I gradually built up the courage to stand up to Eddie. I drew the confidence from Gil to get a separation from Eddie and eventually a divorce. I was putting the divorce off because I was afraid.

Now I'm no longer afraid.

_So I wanna say thank you 'cause it…_

I wish I as this self-confident with Eddie. He would have been stunned that I had developed such a thick skin.

I used to just sit back and take crap from powerful jerks. Now I wouldn't hear of it.

I had grown very confident and proud of myself since my time with Eddie.

_How could this man I thought I knew_

_Turn out to be unjust so cruel_

I still wonder to this day what caused Eddie to become the violent man he turned into. I also wondered what caused him to turn his act around when I got pregnant with Lindsey. Then again, he went back to being violent when Lindsey turned two.

_Could only see the good in you_

_Pretended not to know the truth_

I didn't want people to know what kind of man Eddie was. I didn't want people to know about the terrible home life I had. I wore long sleeves, turtle necks, and jackets in the summer and let me tell you, it gets to 117 degrees in the summer sometimes. Luckily not at night.

I didn't want people to see the never ending bruises.

_You tried to hide your lies, disguise yourself_

_Through living in denial_

I don't think even Eddie wanted to admit how much of a horrible husband he was. In public, he'd put on one face and at home he'd be a completely different one. If anybody had tried to tell Eddie he was an abuser, he'd have completely denied it and said he was a good husband, that it was the family that held the faults.

Everyone would have known that was a lie.

_But in the end you'll see_

_You Won't Stop Me_

I wish Eddie was still around so he could see my new side. I'd just love to show it off to him. I would just love to thank him for making me a fighter.

_I am a fighter and I_

_I ain't gonna stop_

_There is no turning back_

_I've had enough_

_

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_I'll try to update sooner next time, I promise. Hope you enjoyed! 


	11. Infatuation

Title: Chronicles

Author: sitarra

Rating: PG

Disclaimer: I own none of the CSI characters or the lyrics to every Christina Aguilera song I use. I am simply borrowing them.

Pairing: G/C finally

Spoilers: maybe

Summary: traveling through the seasons in the mind of Catherine Willows (and others)

A/N: Catherine's POV, season 4.

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**Infatuation**

_Yo te contaré, una historia_

_De cómo un puertorriqueño me robo el corazón _

_Nunca más he vuelto amar de esa manera_

_Quizás jamás lo haré_

_Es la historia de mi primer amor_

_Era buen mozo con grades y profundos ojos marrones _

_Un bailarín_

_Juntos nos perdimos en el ritmo del amor_

_Asi es como comenzó_

I just love the way Spanish sounds. It's just so beautiful but when you translate it, it just loses something.

This song always makes me think about Gil, give or take a few lines. Gil's not Hispanic so I can count him out on those lines.

_He comes from a foreign place, an island far away_

_Intrigues me with every move till I'm breathless, I'm helpless, can't keep my cool_

Gil is so mystical, so… intriguing. I can watch him for hours on end. He moves with grace whether he knows it or not. When he looks at me I get lost in his eyes. I'm left with the wonderment that such a man has spoken to me.

More than once I've been caught in the lab either staring into space or at Gil. It was just my luck that it was by the same person and a friend.

I completely lose my resolve when I'm around him and honestly, I love it.

_Steals my heart when he takes my hand_

_And we dance to the rhythm of the band_

He is quite a good dancer. I always make him dance with me whenever the option presents itself. He is terrific dancer, I know I've already said that, but he doesn't realize it. He holds me just the right way, moves in time with me to some mild tempo songs. Give some time and practice and I'll bet that he can do faster songs (he wouldn't want to though) like the tango or something else choreographed. I love those types of dance. Whenever I see it I just have to stop and watch.

_I feel his fingertips grip my hips and I slip as we dip into a state of bliss_

There's this thing he does to me every time we dance and he knows damn well the effect it has on me. Every time he'd go to place a hand around my waist, he'd dip his fingers lower and slowly drag them up. He'd do it a few times until I dug my nails into his hand. He got the message and a smile would form on his boyishly handsome face. It was the same routine every time but I never really wanted him to stop. Then we'd get to his townhouse that night and I would practically be begging him to stop his antics.

_Mama used to warn me (to beware those Latin lovers)_

_She said I gave my heart too soon and (that's how I became your mother)_

I wish my mother would have warned me against certain types of men. I would have been saved a lot of heartache.

As much as I hate to admit it, I think I'm actually very similar to my mother. She gave her heart to a man at a young age and look how that turned out. They hadn't had contact in 42 years.

Now I may not have been that young but I still fell fast and that was a mistake. But I put that all behind me because I wouldn't trade Lindsey for anything. She's my angel.

_Oh, but I said, Ay mama you seem to forget I'm not in love yet_

_Sweet talk don't win me over_

I've heard every come on line possible and I've laughed at all of them. They were the crappiest things ever. But sweet talk … sweet talk is an entirely different matter.

Sweet talk I enjoy. Most of the time it's spoken by the wrong man but there was one particular I love hearing it from. Gil. He can say some of the sweetest things and not even realize it. Then again, I love the sound of anything he says. His voice is so rich, so deep. My heart soars when hearing it.

_But I realize big brown eyes can hypnotize, when he says_

Close, he has blue eyes but just as mesmerizing. I can spend hours, no-days just looking into his eyes. His eyes spoke so many volumes when he couldn't voice his thoughts.

Eddie, he had brown eyes but I never could look him straight in the eye for too long. He usually had anger and hatred in his eyes or he was high. Brown eyes are perfectly fine but after Eddie, I can't look at them the same. Just like I can't stand the smell of beer on someone's breathe.

Blue eyes were so much more mysterious, enchanting. Maybe I have some kind of obsession with blue eyes. Just a small obsession. They are gorgeous after all.

_I am full blood Boricua, reads the tattoo on his arm_

_He tells me Mami I need ya and my heart beat and pumps so strong_

_Getting lost in el ritmo he whispers te quiero, te quiero_

_I begin to give in with no hesitation, can't help my infatuation_

_It's pure infatuation_

Many years ago it was an infatuation that I had for Gil. Now it's full blown love.

You know, I think one day I should convince Gil to get a tattoo. He'd look nice with one. If he wanted me to get a tattoo, I'd do it gladly. I'd do it without him asking just to see the look on his face when he saw it. Hmm, that actually sounds like a pretty good idea. Maybe I should set up an appointment.

Anyway, every time he says my name, I can feel my heart beating inside my chest. Every time he says my name in a passionate manner, my heart begins to pound insanely.

Every time we make love as I like to call it now, I get lost in the rhythm of the two of us moving as one. We're both quite frequent to say each other's names in the throws of our passion so you can guess what that does to me. It always helps push me over the edge. Not that he needs any assistance in helping me achieve my pleasure. One look at him and I'm gone.

_Skin the color of cinnamon, his eyes light up and I melt within_

_Feels so good it must be a sin_

_I can't stop what I started I'm givin' in_

I'm sure when he was born, he wasn't as dark as he is now. In fact, he wasn't dark at all. I know his ancestry. It's close to mine and we are not dark people. He spends many hours in the sun to get to the gorgeous tone he has. Then again, he has no tan lines.

Anyway, I just love to see his eyes light up. They do it whenever he's doing an experiment or he's racing his roaches or he solves a particularly harrowing case. They also do it when he sees Lindsey. I love it that he loves her like she's his own. For all I know, she might actually be his, but I'll force that out of my mind for now.

In all honesty, this thing we have now, I started the entire thing without knowing what I was doing. I went to his townhouse that night looking out for my friend and I ended up waking up in his bed. With him in it! We both started that but more me than him.

_He brings life to my fantasies, sparks a passion inside of me_

He makes all my childhood dreams reality. He makes the perfect man seem real. I guess I can say he is real now that I have Gil. He believes in me and that means the world to me.

Every time he walks into the room, my heart stops and I can feel my desire burning inside of me. When he looks at me something inside me just starts burning. I can't explain it.

_Finds the words when I cannot speak_

_In the silence his heartbeat is music to me_

It scares me sometimes how he knows what I'm going to say before I say it. Or when I'm thinking it and he voices it. At the same time it's nice that he knows me so well. Then there's the times he renders me speechless. Sometimes it takes just the smallest gesture and I'm at a loss for the words that come to me so well.

At night -day- after a round of lovemaking or just cuddling, I'll lay my head on his chest and just listen to the soft rhythm of his heartbeat underneath my ear. My head will move with the rise and fall of his chest. A hand will run through my hair even while he's sleeping. I live for those moments.

_Mama used to warn me not to rush love (with another)_

_Hey, I'm not trying to lecture I just care about my daughter, she would say_

Again I wish my mother would have taught me these things. All my life, I felt like my mother didn't care and now I know why. I was her reminder of a mistake she made years ago.

_Ay mama, you seem to forget I never will let a man control me emotions_

They day I let a man control my every thought, idea, my ever move is the day I die. I refuse to let a man control me. Not after what I went through with Eddie.

That's another reason I love Gil. He lets me do as I please but he still looks out for me.

_But when he smiles I feel like a little child, and when he says_

When Gil flashed that adorable smile, women everywhere crumbled. They'd get all giggly and start smiling and flirting. It was a sight to see. Even I did it. All he has to do is smile and I'll do whatever he wants me to.

_I'm caught between my mama's words and what I feel inside_

_I'm wanting to explore his world but part of me wants to hide_

I'm a firm believer in following your heart and emotions. Sometimes that first step can be scary, though. You fall for someone and then you have to see how they live and adjust to it. They have to do the same with you and if you're meant to be together, you can do it. You're happy. But if you can't, bad things come about.

_Should I risk it, can't resist it, this has caught me by surprise_

_Should I let him take me (to Puerto Rico)_

When you think about it, this song's pretty self-explanatory. It speaks your heart for you and you don't even realize it.

_I can't hold back no more_

_Let's go tonight_

I'd risk everything for Gil. If he asked me to move with him somewhere, I'd do it. But at the same time, it'd be the hardest decision. I have Lindsey to think about and he knows that. It would have to be the best for all of us.

I think if and when it comes down to it, we'll all be together.

_Here we go, we say_

_Papi hold me, say that you adore me_

_Never let go, never leave me lonely_

_Papi hold me, say that you adore me_

_Never let go, never leave me lonely_

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I'm going to make Grissom and Catherine their actually ancestry which is Danish for him (yah! I'm Danish too! And we are not dark people but we have dark and sometimes light features) and German for her (again, dark and light features).

The song was based on the concert version of it and not the CD recording of it. I like the sound of the concert's version. Hope you enjoyed it!

Up next Bonus-Butterflied


	12. Bonus Butterflied

Title: Chronicles

Author: sitarra

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: I own none of the CSI characters or the lyrics to every Christina Aguilera song I use. I am simply borrowing them.

Pairing: G/C finally

Spoilers: Butterflied

Summary: traveling through the seasons in the mind of Catherine Willows (and others)

A/N: Catherine's POV, season 4.

Side note, I just want to say thank you to Addicted 1 for helping me make a lot of decisions for this story. When I doubted myself, there was always that other opinion that helped give me the confidence I needed. Thank you so much!

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**Bonus-Butterflied**

I ran my hand through Gil's hair, smiling at the sight. His head rested on my stomach; the material of my shirt was thin so I could feel his beard. He was peacefully asleep, his breathing deep and even. The sheets were gathered around his waist, perspiration still visible on his body. I had to find something to take his mind off our most recent case and aside from forcing him to talk about it, physical activity was the only thing I could think of.

Besides, ever since that night at the victim's house, my body has been craving his.

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I walked into the house, turning to go down the hallway when I saw Gil on the floor. When I couldn't find him at the lab or his townhouse, I figured he was still at the house. Turns out I was right.

"Don't tell me you never went home," I said, watching as he lifted his eyes to meet mine.

"Okay," he said to make me feel better. "I just got started in here; I haven't even gotten to the other rooms yet."

I continued to stare him in the eye. I hated it when he did this to himself.

"You know, you lose your edge after 16 hours. You're into your third shift. I mean, I'm all for overtime but this is just plain greedy."

My eyes softened on him when I saw his do the same.

"My knees can't take this anymore." Well, that's what all those years in baseball will do to you, ruin your knees.

"Have you eaten anything?" I asked, a motherly tone coming into my voice.

His stance straightened. "What'd you bring?"

"I'll see what's in the fridge," I said with a shrug of my shoulders. She was dead; it's not like it really mattered if I took some food for a starving CSI.

I left the room but he called after me anyway.

"We have to replace that, you know." I ignored him and kept walking.

I got a soda, some yogurt, and some peanut butter out and placed them on the table on the outside patio. I turned around to get him but he startled me by appearing in the doorway. I ordered him to sit and eat and told him I'd be back shortly. I was going to put my jacket in my car and help him look for whatever it was he was looking for in the house.

He stopped me with an arm around my waist when I went to pass him. I looked up at him quizzically, wondering why he stopped me. His expression said it all. He looked somewhat tired, bags beginning to form under his eyes. I felt sorry for him. There was something I wasn't seeing in this case for him to be working this hard.

"Thank you," he said in a soft voice, placing a hand on my cheek.

I smiled gently up at him, placing my hands on either side of my face.

"My pleasure. Somebody's gotta take care of you, someone who will force you to say what's on your mind, or force you to eat when you're too focused on something. Someone's who's there."

"I'm glad it's you. I could ask for no one better."

I smiled at the smile on his face. I pulled his head down to me and gave him a gentle kiss, hoping to erase his pain for the moment. It must have worked because he returned my kiss and pulled me closer for a hug.

He held me tight, burying his head in my hair. I rubbed his back like a mother would her child and returned his fierce embrace.

He released me after five minutes and placed a soft kiss on my forehead. I watched him walk to the table and sit down before I left the room.

When I returned, I could see him drinking the soda I'd gotten him through the glass separating the house from outside.

"Feel better?" I asked, moving past him to another chair. I couldn't help but sigh just a little as I sat down.

He didn't bother with a response so I continued. I relaxed in the chair, crossing my legs and resting my arms over the sides of the chair.

"Well, now that we fed you, we should probably talk about a shower," he stopped eating his yogurt and looked at me. We were both reminded of a previous conversation in that moment but I interrupted it by speaking. "I mean at your place. You need to go home."

He placed the yogurt on the table, his body rigid-a sign of his determination. "As soon as we find some evidence, I promise."

"With fresh eyes you won't miss it," I argued.

He rolled his eyes, a sign of his annoyance. "Just talk it through with me, will you? What do we know?"

He always did this to us. He made us lay out the crime even though he already knew practically how it went. Not in this case. He did it so we built up our knowledge and confidence. I don't know if it worked with the others but it certainly worked with me.

"All right," I started, prepared to go into depth, "bathroom is where things got started. Candles, oils… she's taken a shower… cleaned up, oiled up… sexed up."

I couldn't help but stop and stare as he licked peanut butter off of his finger. Why did he have to be so damn sexy and irresistible?

"Let's go back to the bedroom."

He stood up fro his chair, gathering the yogurt and soda he finished. I stood and took the peanut butter. I moved close to him, brushing against him as I past him by.

"You know, normally when you say that to me, we're alone, at your place, and with a lot less clothes on," I teased softly. I was granted with a small smile as I led him to the kitchen.

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I passed two interrogation rooms; still looking for the one Gil was in. I rounded the corner, seeing Sara leaning against a table in one of the rooms. I stopped in my path when I saw the doctor and his lawyer leave the next room over, Brass following shortly after. Gil was still in there so why and what was Sara still watching?

This case affected Gil more than others, anyone could see that. I learned years ago that after such a case he needed to either be left alone or near a close friend. Myself in other words. I never forced him to talk; I just offered my presence and an alcoholic beverage. He would talk when he was ready.

"Sara, you seen Grissom?" It was a stupid question. I already knew the answer.

She jumped at my words, startled by my presence. She slowly turned her head to face me, her eyes not wanting to leave the one way mirror. Gee, I wonder why.

"Um, yeah, he's in…" she pointed to the other room. I followed her out-stretched hand, seeing Gil toying with a folder. I joined Sara in the room but my eyes weren't on Gil.

I wanted to know what was going on in Sara's head. She probably viewed Gil as being vulnerable at the time. She probably wanted to rush to him and calm his mind. But I wasn't about to let that happen.

"He just got done with interrogating the doctor?" I asked, wanting to take her focus away from the object of my affections.

"Yeah," was her response. I got right to the point this time around.

"Sara… leave him alone. He doesn't need or want company right now, not unless he asks for it."

This worked. Her eyes snapped o me. "How do you know?"

"Because I'm his best friend. Because I've worked with him for twenty years but I've known him longer. Because I wouldn't want to be bothered if I hadn't slept in two and a half days. I know the signs; he wants to be left alone."

"Maybe he's changed his ways," she suggested, looking at Gil again.

"Sara…" I warned.

"All right, Catherine. I'll leave him alone," she promised.

I gave her a little smile. "Thank you."

I held her eyes as I backed out of the room. I may have told her not to talk to him but I said nothing about myself. I could still talk to him.

I knocked on the open door after watching him for a few minutes.

"Can I come in or do you not want company?" I asked after his eyes held mine.

He motioned for me to come in, his eyes drooping as he did so. "Come in. You know I always welcome your company."

I smiled and complied. I pulled a chair close to his so I could run a hand up and down his back. My hand lingered at his neck, my fingers playing with the curly hairs there. It was a favorite thing of mine to do and he like it.

I watched as his eyes continued to fall shut only to open again quickly. I couldn't help but feel for him.

"You're tired, sweetheart. How long have you been up?" I murmured, pulling him back closer to me so I could rest my head against his.

He brought my left hand around to look at my watch even though he had one on himself.

"For about 27 hours." He didn't release my wrist. Instead, he laced his fingers through mine and let our hands fall to his chest.

"If I were you, I'd be asleep by now. I don't think I could do it."

"It's been awhile since I last did it/ I'm not used to it anymore."

I chuckled softly and placed a soft kiss to his cheek. "That's because you have me and I keep you up at night for different, far more pleasurable reasons," I murmured in his ear. I was glad when he laughed, noticeably releasing the tension from his body.

"That you do," he agreed.

I kissed him ion the cheek again, just because I wanted to. "Do you wanna talk about it? The case, I mean?"

"Yeah, as long as you make me feel better about it." He squeezed my hand and brought it up to his lips to place a kiss there.

I stood up from my chair and pushed it in as best I could with my left and right hands held captive. He brought his right hand up to his neck to take a hold of my hand, bringing the both down in front of him. He held my hands tight and I leaned down into him. I leaned a cheek against his and told him my plan.

"How about we go home, fix you a drink, get comfortable. I'll give you a massage and you can tell me what's bothering you so much. How's that sound?"

"That sounds very nice. I'd like that. He tilted his head and gave me a quick kiss, too quick for my liking.

"Good because it's happening whether you like it or not. And next time I'm down on a case, you can cheer me up."

He laughed with me and stood from his chair. I held him close to me for a minute before letting him go. He picked up the file he had on the table and pushed his chair in. I briefly glanced at the one way mirror. I had forgotten all about Sara being in there the moment I saw Gil. There was nothing I could do about it now if she had seen that whole display. She'd just have to come to grips with it.

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Gil emerged from his bedroom in boxers and no shirt. I turned my eyes back to the drink I was mixing, wanting something else to focus on. Was he trying to kill me?

When he entered the kitchen, I saw he had a shirt in his hand but he obviously hadn't gotten around to putting it on. It he had gotten around to it, I wouldn't have been in such pain at seeing him like that.

I handed him his drink and watched him take a long drink. After I slowly counted to ten, I placed a hand on his arm, saying that it was best if he stopped before he had drinks added to the one and was mysteriously drunk by the end of the night.

"Sorry, I just…" but he never finished his sentence. I knew what he was going to say though.

"I know."

A sad, gloomy look was cast over his face. He set his drink on the counter and started for the living room. I followed but when he started to put his shirt on, I stopped us both.

"Leave it off," I said, watching him getting ready to put his arms through the holes. "It's easier to massage that way."

I watched his bronzed shoulders rise and fall with light chuckles. My eyes were fixated on every curve of his back and shoulders, mesmerized by their movement. I loved the way they moved. I loved everything about him but he didn't know that yet.

I sat down on the couch, my back pressed firm against the arm rest. He settled in between my legs, his back to me, and leaned forward somewhat. I gave him massages a lot just as he did me so we knew the routine. I was able to rest my legs over his, locking him in position, and began the massage.

After a few minutes of silence so he could enjoy the treatment, I finally asked him my first question.

"So what was bothering you so much with this case?"

For a minute I thought he wasn't going to answer but then I heard his soft voice.

"She just looked so much like Sara. It scared me," he confessed. "Scared me a lot."

"How?"

"Because it reminded me that I could lose her, I could lose any of the team at any given time." He leaned back into me gently looking into my eyes, halting the massage. "I could lose you."

I smiled at his kind words. "You'll never lose me. You've been stuck with me for what, 20 years? If I haven't left your side yet through all the crap we've been through, I'm never leaving your side. You're stuck with me for the rest of our lives," I promised. I kissed his temple then a spot near his ear, moving to his cheek and chin until finally I reached his lips. I kissed him gently, slowly until I pulled back to see his eyes still shut.

"I hope you can deal with that," I whispered, placing a kiss to his ear. I was determined to help him forget this case.

"I think I'll live." I was able to get another smile out of him by playfully nipping at his ear before pushing him off me. I resumed the massage, kneading at his shoulders and lower back, two painful areas of his at times.

We were silent after that, content in each other's presence. Words were never needed with the two of us. Sometimes we could look at each other and automatically know what the other was going to say.

After awhile, I started to think. Should I tell him? Should I tell him I love him Love him more than anything? How would he react? Would he repeat it? Would I scare him off, ruining our friendship in the process? Maybe I shouldn't tell him. Not yet, at least.

"Thank you, Cath. Thank you for making me feel better, taking my mind off of it."

"It's my pleasure. Besides, it's the least I can do after all you've done for me. I'm paying back the price."

"You never owed me…"

"I know but I can still view it as that."

He started to say something but a yawn stifled his words. I couldn't help but smile. How long had he been up by this point?

"I think it's time we get you to bed," I mentioned, running a hand through his hair.

"You are such a mother," he mused softly.

"Once a mother…" I started.

"Always a mother," he finished. He scooted out from my legs after I moved them, sitting on the edge of the couch. I got an idea.

"Carry me," I begged. He gave me a look that said he thought I was insane but he complied to my wishes. I scooted around behind him and wrapped my legs around his waist. I leaned my chest into his back and wrapped my arms around his neck. With ease he picked me up and carried me to his –what I consider our- bedroom.

"Only you would get this treatment. You're lucky you're my favorite," he muttered.

"Favorite… person, favorite female, favorite CSI, what?" I smiled, pleased with his revelation.

"All of 'em."

* * *

He threw me onto the bed, passion flaring in his eyes. He stood over me, his eyes staring into mine. His eyes traveled my body but I didn't mind. I loved it.

Suddenly he began to ravish my neck, making me moan in pleasure. His lips traveled down my body, stopping at my navel before moving back up. His hands traveled the same path his lips had.

When his lips attached to a sensitive spot on my neck, I could keep my vocals quiet any longer.

"Oh, my god, I love you," I groaned in pleasure, my eyes shut tight against the glorious feel.

Suddenly he stopped. He pulled back and looked deep into my eyes. Had I said that out loud?

I started panicking. I had no idea what he would do. Had the mood been ruined? Probably. I probably ruined our whole arrangement and now he wanted nothing to do with me.

Then all my dreams were answered. I felt like I was dreaming when he opened his mouth and said, "I love you, too."

His lips ravished mine, his hands scorched my skin. My clothes came flying off, so did his…

I woke up with a start. This was the second time this had happened.

I looked down. Gil was still sound asleep. He had an arm around my legs and his head was still resting on my stomach. I couldn't help but smile at the sight. I must have fallen asleep somewhere in between watching Gil and thinking about the case.

I ran a hand through his hair, loving how soft it was. With a deep sigh, I laid my head back against the pillow. I continued to run a hand through his hair as I tried to sleep. I didn't dare shut my eyes. I knew what I'd see the minute I did. Not that I minded having sex dreams about Gil and I but I could only handle so much. They just seemed so real.

This secret of mine was haunting me.

* * *

Teaser: Catherine is taken back to her former profession. 


	13. Dirrty

Title: Chronicles

Author: sitarra

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: I own none of the CSI characters or the lyrics to every Christina Aguilera song I use. I am simply borrowing them.

Pairing: G/C finally

Spoilers: none

Summary: traveling through the seasons in the mind of Catherine Willows (and others)

A/N: Catherine's POV, season 4. I'm trying a new approach in this chapter.

**

* * *

**

**Dirrty**

The French Palace, now that brought some memories. Good and bad memories. See, some girls take up stripping for the money. Some take it up because they like the attention. Some take it up because they love to dance. I needed the money and loved to dance but I'd never in a million years go back to it.

Gil and I had gotten a call that night about a murder that had happened near the dressing rooms. Greg gad been permitted to come along but only after he finished all lab work he had and cleared it with Gil. He was thrilled, of course. His dreams were coming true.

So that put us outside the French Palace on a cold winter night. I saw Brass asking a few girls some questions, girls that couldn't have been anymore than 22. I saw Ted staring at the doorway of the place, eyes not wavering from that spot. He was a good man, looked out for his girls, and took care of them. He was probably the best strip club owner in all of Vegas.

I walked over to him, placing a gloved hand on his shoulder. He turned his head to face me, a pain in his eyes.

"Hey, Ted. How are you holding up?"

"I've never lost one of my girls in the place before, never been murdered like her at least. Stephanie was different. I didn't really know her all that way. To her it was just a way to get attention and cash. This girl, Angelica, she was similar to you. She loved dancing and looked fantastic doing it. She was going through school, getting her bachelor's degree in biology. She loved animals. That girl was going places. Why would anyone want her dead?"

Wow, that did sound familiar.

"I don't know, Ted, but we'll do our best to find out who and why. You have my word," I promised.

He took a key ring out of his pocket full of maybe about ten keys. He took one off and handed it to me. "Until it's solved, the place is yours to look at whenever you want. I want this son of a bitch found and put in jail."

I nodded, not finding the words to speak at such cooperation. I told Ted to talk to a detective before giving him a hug and entering the place I used to work at.

I hadn't noticed it but Gil had been beside me the whole time. Sometimes, he could be so quiet that it would scare the hell out of you when he spoke to you.

"Body's in the back near the dressing rooms," the officer at the door told us. Gil logged us in and I went ahead to the back.

797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979

"Find anything of interest?"

I looked up at the voice, smiling at the sight.

"Just some swabs I took for closer analysis. What about you?"

"Nothing. I tried the alley, noting there either."

"I hope this doesn't turn out to be a dead-end case," I murmured, closing my kit. Gil agreed with me and sat down next to me on the edge of the stage.

This was our second day at the club. We both decided to come back for a better look during the day rather than the middle of the night. Greg was due to arrive soon having finished all lab work. Little did he know he'd be going back to the same spot soon enough.

"You know this place looks a lot different during the day and with the lights on," Gil pointed out, looking around.

"Yes, it does," I agreed, laughing softly. Gil moved my kit to the floor with his as I stood up to walk around the stage.

"This brings back so many memories," I reflected, walking around the shiny metal pole.

"Yes, it does," Gil was the one to say those words this time.

I laughed and turned my eyes to his. "And what memories does it bring back for you?"

"Watching you dance."

I walked over to him, climbing off the stage to stand in front of him.

"And why did you like watching me dance? So you could see me naked before the actual event?" He and I both knew he understood what I said.

"No, I was captivated by you. You had, and still do, the most amazing eyes. I loved watching your eyes. I _still_ love watching your eyes. And you."

"How'd you like to watch me now?" I asked, a coy smile on my face. His expression changed. "I'm in the mood to dance and no one else is around. You could have me all to yourself."

He was left speechless, something I loved. I sauntered over to the bar, the stereo being behind it. There were a few music selections there but I knew there were many more options in the back. I saw Christina Aguilera's song 'Dirrty' in the middle of it all, the word remix written next to it.

I snuck a glance up at Gil and upon seeing the tortured look on his face, I smiled. I slipped the CD in and arranged a 10 second delay as well as turned the stage lights on and the house lights off.

"Aren't you lucky? Getting a former stripper all to yourself?" I pointed out. I sided up next to him. "And it doesn't cost you a thing."

"Cath, please don't…" I hopped up on the stage, ignoring his pleas. The music came on, some new music in front of the song I wasn't used to. I swung around the pole, getting the feel of it back.

"Oh, my god," I heard him mutter. I moved away from the pole and decided to stretch a little.

"I'm not as flexible but I'm positive I can still do the old routine. This time without taking my clothes off. Although…"the last word was under my breath and he didn't hear it. If he had I really could have had fun then.

I could hear him muttering to himself, something about not wanting to watch because it would be wrong.

"Come on, Gil, what's the problem? You've seen me naked, you see me clothed, and you've seen me dance. What's so wrong with it now?" I wondered, stretching my legs out slowly.

Gil was already off the stage by this point, fussing with his kit. I couldn't see what his problem was. He's seen it before; there's no big deal.

"Well, whether you watch or not, I'm dancing." The words started and my body had to move to the music.

_Uh—let me loose_

_Ooh, I'm overdue, gimme some room, comin' through_

_Paid my dues, in the mood, me and my girls gonna shake the room_

_DJ's spinnin', show your hands_

_Let's get dirrty, that's my jam_

_I need that uh to get me off, sweatin till my clothes come off_

My eyes locked with his. So, he had decided to watch me after all. Smart choice. I probably would have forced him to anyway.

I danced my way down the stage, kicking off my shoes as I went. I had stockings on so that helped me slide across the stage with ease. Besides, I always danced better barefoot.

I made it seem like I was going to take my shirt off just to tease him but I settled on more dancing instead.

_It's explosive, speakers are thumpin'_

_Still jumpin' six in the mornin'_

_Table dancin', glasses are crashin'_

_No questions I want some action_

I turned my focus back to the pole, the center of attention on the stage. I wrapped a leg around it, lifting my weight off the ground with my foot, and slid down with grace. It felt good. Meaning there was something about being on the stage again that felt really good. I didn't like my previous audience but I loved this one.

Gil had chosen to sit down in a chair by the stage, his eyes following my every move. I was only partially aware of him though. Dancing again brought back such a powerful feeling in me.

_Temperature's up (can you feel it)_

'_bout to erupt_

_Gonna get my girls, get your boys, gonna make some noise_

My body felt so alive, my senses felt so high. I slide down the pole again, this time starting near the top. My body sprawled at the bottom of the pole in a seductive manner. I crawled across the floor to reach Gil. He leaned his arms on the stage.

"Why do you have to be such a tease to me?" he asked me, his lips closeto mine.

"Because it's fun and you love it," I answered with an inviting smile. He granted me with a smile and let me go on my way to dance some more.

_Gonna get rowdy, gonna get a little unruly_

_Get it fired up in a hurry_

_Wanna get dirrty_

_It's about time that I came to start the party_

_Sweat drippin' over my body_

_Dancin' getting' just a little naughty_

_I wanna get dirrty_

_It's about time for my arrival_

Now that really took me back to my dancing days. Before we went out to start a routine, we would either put a lotion on or spray water on our body to make it glisten. Gave more effect while we were dancing.

Some of the girls definitely got naughty when they were dancing. They'd really tease the guys and that wasn't always a good thing.

Some girls were just openers for better, more experienced ones like myself. I had a few openers and that's how I started out. Some were talented enough that they went straight to being a headliner. Me, I had to build it up but it didn't take long.

_Ah, heat is up, ladies, fellas drop your cups_

_Bodies packed front to back, move your ass, I like that_

_Tight his huggers, low for show_

_Shake a little somethin' on the floor_

_I need that uh to get me off, sweatin' till my clothes come off_

You either came out on stage with a bra, panties, and a garter with 4 inch stiletto heels or you came out in some kind of get up. I did both. Some nights I would come out as a cop or something else men loved. The men loved both and they both brought good money.

Then came Gil. When he first came to the French Palace it was because of an altercation between two patrons that turned to murder. I could tell right away he didn't belong.

My eyes found his and all thoughts of mine were lost. I fell in love with him right then and there. But things didn't work out so well.

That brings us to current time.

_Let's get up and cause a commotion_

_Still goin' eight in the mornin' _

_There's no stoppin' we keep it poppin'_

_Hard rockin' everyone's talkin' _

"At least look like you enjoy it," I complained to Gil, watching as his eyes darted anywhere but the stage.

"I am, believe me, but I could enjoy this more if you were doing this somewhere else. Somewhere where someone couldn't walk in at any moment," he explained.

"I'll give you your own demonstration later. How's that sound?"

"Lovely. But you're still dancing."

"Are you saying that I can't dance?"

"No, you can definitely dance but someone could walk in," he said, stressing his words.

"Well, you can keep worrying about that and I'll keep on dancing," I compromised. I don't know what his response was and honestly I didn't care. I just wanted to dance.

_Give all you got (give it to me)_

_Just hit the spot_

_Gonna get my girls, get your boys, gonna make some noise_

My body just couldn't stop. It was a wonderful feeling I missed. I loved to dance and that's why I became a stripper in the first place. That and tuition fees.

I danced my way through the second chorus, waiting for the bridge.

_Here it comes, it's the one (you've been waitin' on)_

_Get up, get it rough, yup (that's what's up)_

_Givin' just what you love to the (maximum)_

_Uh oh, here we, here we go_

_What to do when the music (starts to drop)_

_That's when wee take it (to the parking lot)_

_And I betcha somebody's (gonna call the cops)_

_Uh oh, here we, here we go _

Just when I started to quickly slide down the pole, the music went off and the house lights came on. I couldn't quite see who had done it but I saw a spiked heads and that was enough.

'Busted,' I though, laying my body on the stage beneath the pole.

"Gil," I called. He was over to me in a second. "Who is it?"

"Greg," he answered, the 'I told you so' tone in his voice. But of course he had to tell me that personally. "I told you someone could walk in."

"Yeah, yeah, just help me up." Gil stepped up on the stage. He stood at my legs and grasped my outstretched hand. He pulled me up gently, staggering back just a step. He handed me my shoes and let me balance my weight on him as I put them on.

"Well, well, well," Greg said. I could hear the smile in his voice. 'Are all the cases going to be like this? If so, I can _definitely _see myself in this job."

I slowly turned to face Greg but not before flashing an annoyed look at the smile on Gil's face.

"Hello, Greg, how are you?" I asked, making polite conversation.

"Oh, don't think I'm lettin' this go. If you talk, I may not tell," he chimed.

"May not?" I repeated.

"Yeah, if I'm pleased with what I hear, I won't tell people and if I don't like…"

"Yeah, I get it. So ask away." I gladly brought on the questions.

"First, you are a lovely dancer, very hot." I couldn't help but smile. The boy had a way with words sometimes. "Second, Grissom-did you enjoy her dancing? I noticed that you were watching but at the same time, pretending you weren't."

Gil look at me and then back at Greg several time. I could tell he was debating on telling the truth or making a lie. If he knew what was good for him, he'd tell the truth.

"Yes, I enjoyed watching her. She's very talented at everything she does."

Gil and I walked off the stage, neither of us wanting to answer anymore questions. We gathered our kits and stayed quiet, acting as if nothing had happened.

"Come on, Greg, We have some samples to take to the lab," I said, passing him by the door.

He nodded but his expression quickly changed.

"Wait, when you say 'she's good at everything she does,' what all does that imply?" he wondered out loud. Gil just sped up to my side though, not bothering to answer.

"Guys? Guys? Come on, you can't leave me hangin'!"

I turned around to face Greg, walking backwards with Gil still.

"You're a smart guy, Greg. You figure it out."

The smiles would stay off our faces. I turned back around and kept pace with Gil.

"So is there going to be a private dance I get to see later on?" Gil said with intrigue. A seductive smile grew on my face.

"If you behave."

* * *

Teaser: Catherine comes across startling news and Gil comes to a revelation. 


	14. Lovin' Me 4 Me

Title: Chronicles

Author: sitarra

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: I own none of the CSI characters or the lyrics to every Christina Aguilera song I use. I am simply borrowing them.

Pairing: G/C finally

Spoilers: Formalities

Summary: traveling through the seasons in the mind of Catherine Willows (and others)

A/N: Catherine's POV, season 5.

**

* * *

**

**Lovin' Me 4 Me**

I did it! I finally told Gil I love him! And he feels the same way! There's a huge relief lifted off my shoulders. And now I'm feeling so high. It feels like I'm on drugs again but this time they're good for me.

Since I'm feeling so high and extremely good about myself, I'll turn on Christina. I turned it to a song I've come to love but now it holds so much more meaning.

_People ask if I'm in love with you_

'_Cause I'm sitting here with your picture and smilin' to myself (I smile)_

Lindsey does that to me all the time. She knows we're close and somewhat of an object but she's not sure what. Although that's because we won't let her figure out what we are. Well, what we were as of now.

I can't say I have a picture of his that I smile at because now I do that whenever. He is photogenic though.

_I'm kinda lost in my own thoughts of you_

_My heart speaks before my mind thinks through, and I blush as I say yes_

I often find myself spacing off at work when I see Gil walk in a room. I'll start smiling insanely before someone'll ask me why I'm smiling so much. I make up an excuse and the person believes it. Either they're playing clueless or don't want to push the subject. Smart moves on their parts. I wouldn't tell them anything.

_What a feeling of vulnerability comin' over me_

_And I'm feeling weak and I can't speak, can't think_

I melt when he looks at me. I just… I get this funny feeling all throughout my body, inside and out. I get chills all over my body. Sometimes, he could say such sweet things that would make me cry just because I was happy. I don't know what that is.

_Never thought I'd give in so willingly to a human being _

_With abilities to set me free, let me be me_

_Makes me wanna say_

That takes me back once again to our arrangement. Or should I say old arrangement? It's just so easy to be myself with him, to give in. He makes me feel like I can fly, fly anywhere as long as he's there.

The first time we ever made love, it was so easy to consent to him. We both might have been a little drunk so obviously that helped, but by the time anything serious happened, I guarantee we were both quite sober.

I love how I'm able to trust him with my life and know that he'll be there to save me. I knew from the moment I spoke to him that I could and would always trust him.

_Your lips, your eyes, your smile, your kiss_

_I must admit, it's a part of me_

_You please me, complete me, filling me_

_Like a melody_

_Your soul, your flow, your truth, your youth is simply proof_

_We were meant to be_

_But the best quality that's hookin' me is that you're lovin' me 4 me_

That couldn't be more true for me. He's perfect; he's my soul mate.

Let me explain from the beginning.

It all started when Gil asked me to go with him as his date for the promotion ceremony of Ecklie. I of course said yes. It's not often I got to dress up nice anymore. Besides I got to wear the necklace Gil helped Lindsey buy me for Mother's day, along with the ring Gil got me for my birthday recently.

So after the case of Janelle Macklin was solved and I had given him hell for causing me to wear a scarf for a week—you can fill in the blank there—Gil took me out to dinner and a night on the town. I knew it was important when he asked because he told me to dress up.

We went out to dinner at the Bellagio, to a restaurant that offered a lovely view of the waters. We sat close together but that's not rare for us. We do that everywhere no matter what. But this was different. We were actually showing affection to each other in public. Better yet, he was actually the one who started it.

After dinner was over, we had tickets for _'O'_. He surprised me with those during dinner. He knows I have a fascination with Cirque du Soleil, as does my daughter, after I forced him to watch a Cirque-a-thon on TV with me. My only words on the show: it was spectacular. I could see it again and again. I highly recommend it.

After that, we took a walk outside just down the length of the Bellagio before heading back to the car. I kept teasing him so that was the cause of our sudden departure.

Cutting a long story somewhat short, when he joined me in the bedroom that night, he said he had something important to tell me. I was alarmed at first but reassured by the look on his face, in his eyes. I saw love.

Honestly, while he was talking, my mind kept wandering. I wanted to focus but I just couldn't. My mind wouldn't let me. But when the words 'I love you' passed through his lips he had my full attention.

He's always loved me and I've always loved him. How perfect can life get?

_Now people ask why I'm in love with you_

_Well let me start by sayin' you got my heart by just bein' who you are_

So far we've only told Lindsey about the two of us. She's happy for us. She loves Gil very much and he loves her like a daughter. There's no protest there.

Gil is as real as they come. He's a dying breed. He doesn't try to be any more than he is or any less. He's just himself. And I love that.

_And what we got is between me and you_

_Doesn't matter 'bout the money I make or what I do or that I'm a star_

Maybe it's best we keep our relationship to ourselves. People don't need to hear about us and we certainly don't want to answer all the questions. It would be too uncomfortable. For everybody.

_Unconditionally you're there for me_

_Undeniably you inspire me spiritually, so sweet_

He's always there, whenever I need him. If I'm feeling down and he's not around, one phone call and he's next to me until he's positive I'm feeling better.

He makes me want to be an all around better person. He inspired me to be a CSI, along with Jimmy Tadero but he just helped to boost my ego. Gil made me want to be a CSI. He was lecturing a class of mine once and just blew my mind away with his knowledge and his looks. I had heard rumors about the man and I was finally getting to meet him. I met him again a few weeks later but this time at the French Palace. Surprisingly he didn't look down at my chest one but looked in my eyes instead. I knew then I could easily love him.

_This is meaningful, it's incredible, pleasurable, unforgettable_

_The way I feel, so sweet, makes me wanna say_

Our relationship had purpose, potential. It's not something that will be forgotten because we had a small, ridiculous fight and decided to end it. We won't end it; it's as simple as that. By now, it'd take something big to end our relationship, something uncharacteristic. But that's never going to happen because it's not in him to cause me such pain.

_It's so amazing how something so sweet has come and rearrabged my life_

_I've been kissed by destiny, oh heaven came and saved me_

Now that I look back on it, my life has been rearranged. My life's become better in so many ways. Fate has brought us together and kept us together for so many beautiful years. I was saved for a horrible man and a horrible life by the most perfect man, I don't do all that religion stuff. I believe but don't start talking about it around me. I just can't listen to it. I said that to say this: he's my savior.

_And angel was placed at my feet, this isn't ordinary_

_He's lovin' me 4 me_

He _is_ an angel. He's my angel. I don't know what I did to deserve him but I'm glad I did it.

It's a good thing we finally told each other we love each other. It's a good thing because... I think I might be pregnant.

_Stripped of all make-up_

_No need for fancy clothes_

_No cover ups, pushups _

_With him, I don't have to put on a show_

_He loves every freckle, every curve_

_Every inch of my skin_

_Fulfilling me entirely_

_Taking all of me in_

_He's real_

_He's honest_

_He's lovin' me 4 me_

* * *

Teaser: suspicions are…well you find out. 


	15. At Last

Title: Chronicles

Author: sitarra

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: I own none of the CSI characters or the lyrics to every Christina Aguilera song I use. I am simply borrowing them.

Pairing: G/C finally

Spoilers: none

Summary: traveling through the seasons in the mind of Catherine Willows (and others)

A/N: Catherine's POV, season 5. Song is based on Christina's rendition during her concert.

**

* * *

**

**At Last**

My suspicions have been confirmed. I'm pregnant. I'm pregnant with Gil's child. I'm eight weeks pregnant with Gil Grissom's child. Who would have seen this coming?

I'm positive though that he'll be thrilled. We've just barely admitted we're in love and I'm about to tell him I'm pregnant. This is not how I saw things happening for us.

We were supposed to fall in love, get married, _then_ have children. Not have children, fall in love, and then (hopefully) get married. For the record, I had suspicions of being pregnant before he reciprocated my feelings.

_At last_

I looked up from the pregnancy test for the source of the music. I couldn't very well find it ion the bathroom so I left and let my eyes travel down the hallway. Lindsey's door was cracked open just a bit, music blaring loud. I let her do that but only if she's playing Christina Aguilera.

_My love has come along, huh_

I smiled at the song, Christina's own rendition.

What would Lindsey think about this? Would she like a little brother or sister? And again I'm back to how will Gil feel about it?

Some people think that he's not good with children but he's actually better around children than people. He knows how to talk to them, to assure them when something's wrong. He's a natural father.

_My lonely days are over, oh_

Will he be thrilled? Will he be shocked but happy? Will he hate the idea? So many options but only one can be right.

On the bright side, now I never have to sleep in an empty bed. Never will I be cold in the middle of the night. Never will I be lonely anymore. Never will Lindsey feel like she doesn't have a father figure in her life.

_And life is like a song_

I wish my life could be like a song. My life would be perfect then. I could live in the perfect world with the perfect life with the perfect man and daughter. I'd have the perfect fairytale family. There'd be no problems.

I'd have the perfect past and perfect job. I never would have done drugs. I never would have married Eddie. I never would have done anything of any disgrace.

_I found a dream that I can speak to, ha_

_A dream that I, I can call my own, ha_

I've made the decision to tell Gil about the possibility of Lindsey being his. I don't know how he'll react but he deserves to know. He'll probably love it. He already considers Lindsey his daughter and she considers him as her father.

We'll probably get the test done, see if she's his or not. We'll have to tell Lindsey and then I'll have to deal with her reaction.

_I found a, a thrill ooh to press my cheek to, oh_

_A dream that I, oh I've never, never, never known_

_Ooh, you smile, you smile yeah, ha_

_Ooh, and then the spell was cast, ha_

Now I can't stop picturing what our child will look like. He or she will have Gil's eyes, my smile (Gil likes my smile so that should be a trait of our child.) Gil's laugh should be a trait and his hair. I love his hair. We'll make the most perfect child. A beautiful child.

_Here we are, here we are_

_In heaven, for_

_For yeah_

_For yeah yeah yeah yeah_

_For you are _

_For you are_

_For you are_

_For you are, ha ha ha, mine_

_Yeah yeah_

_At last_

_Ooh yeah yeah yeah_

I'm positive he'll love the idea. How could he not?

_At last ha, at… ha, at last_

* * *

Teaser: they're so beautiful…

Next chapter is last chapter full of everyone's thoughts.


	16. Beautiful

Title: Chronicles

Author: sitarra

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: I own none of the CSI characters or the lyrics to every Christina Aguilera song I use. I am simply borrowing them.

Pairing: G/C finally

Spoilers: none but there's no shift change

Summary: traveling through the seasons in the mind of Catherine Willows (and others)

A/N: Everyone's POV, season 5. Last chapter.

I had fun writing this and receiving all your reviews! They really inspire me! And I highly recommend you listen to this song. It's great but the version I use in here is from her concert. (I'm addicted to doing that, aren't I?) And see if you can guess who speaking when.

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* * *

**

**Beautiful**

Wow, who would have ever seen Catherine and Grissom getting together? Well, actually we all did but we never thought it would happen.

They make a beautiful couple though. I watch them in the lab whenever they're together or I can see them through the glass walls of my DNA lab. They look like they belong together, they really do. God knows how many years have passed with a lot of sexual tension floating around between the two of them. By now, it's practically visible.

Now, they've only recently told us they're together and engaged, but just a few days ago they told us they're expecting a child. A _child_. Can you believe that? I can't picture Grissom as the father type but Catherine tells me he really is. When she says it, I can picture it. Sometimes, it just takes a little extra enforcement from someone for words to take effect.

They're a great couple, great people, and I wish them all the best.

_Everyday is so wonderful, then suddenly, it's hard hmm to breathe_

_Now and then hmm I get insecure, from all the pain_

_I'm so ha ashamed_

I thought I hated Catherine before but now I really hate her. How could Grissom love her and not even give me the tome of day?

Sure she's beautiful, smart, trim and fit, has great achievements, has a wonderful daughter, has the love and lust of many men, but she has her faults.

Okay so there's none I can think of right now but I'm positive they're there.

Damn, why do they have to look so good together? I just had to come to the annual picnic, didn't I? I knew they'd be here.

I chose to ignore them the day they announced they were together and getting married. I found it impossible to ignore them the day they announced Catherine was pregnant. Now I simply can't ignore them.

I hate seeing them together but I can't deny how well they go together. They just… they look so perfect. Why do they have to look sp perfect and good?

They were constantly touchy-feely at work, but to my dismay, it didn't affect their work. They were still the best CSI team around.

My only blessing is that she better treat him right. If not, I'll hopefully be there to pick up the pieces.

_I am beautiful not matter what they say_

_Words can't bring me down_

_I am beautiful in every single way_

_Words can't bring me down oh no_

_So don't you bring me down today_

I can't believe she's getting married. And having a child. And with Grissom.

I used to think I was in love with Cath but I knew in my heart that it was an infatuation. I care deeply for her but it's not love. I'm not ready for that yet.

She's absolutely glowing. She's pregnant; I'm gonna guess that's where the glowing radiance is from. Then again I see how she smiles when Grissom walks into the room. She's got it bad.

And Grissom, I've never seen him smile so much as when he does with Cath. He shines, too. Cath isn't showing her pregnancy yet but Grissom still places his hand over her abdomen and let a huge smile take over his face. Sometimes he talks to his unborn child. I often happen to walk into the break room or his office when that happens.

I asked them both once what they thought their child was going to be. Both answered a girl. They really are meant for each other.

Theirs is a union we've all been waiting for.

_To all your friends you're delirious _

_So consumed ha in all your doom, ooh_

_Trying so hard to fill the emptiness, the pieces gone,_

_Left the puzzle undone, is that the way it is_

I can't believe I'm the flower girl at my mother's wedding! It's just so exciting! My mom's getting married to Uncle Gil!

Now I call him dad. Mom asked me if it'd be okay for him to adopt me and of course it's okay. I'm thrilled to have him as my father.

I was happy when they said they were getting married and even happier when he moved in with us. Then they told me I was going to have a new baby brother or sister. That was even better. I've always wanted a younger sibling.

When I asked them both what they thought it was going to be they both said girl at the same time. If that's not being made for each other I don't know what is.

I'm happy for them. They deserve each other. And Gil's better than my dad ever was to my mom.

Here she comes. She looks so beautiful in her gown.

I've never seen dad or mom smile so big before. It's nice.

_You are beautiful no matter what they say (no matter what 'cause)_

_Words can't bring you down (that's beautiful ooh)_

'_Cause you are beautiful in every single way_

_Words can't bring you down (no they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't)_

_So don't you bring me down today_

She looks so beautiful. I don't think I've ever seen a more beautiful bride. Not even my sisters looked as beautiful as her.

You know, Cath's always been a mother to me. Being far away from home and away from the family, people tend to look for parent figures somewhere else to fill that void. That's what I did. Catherine is like a mother to me, a very hot and bad ass one, and Grissom is like a father to me. Granted he's not the best one in the world but I think Lindsey knows a different story.

Lindsey looks beautiful too up there. They all do. Beautiful and handsome.

I was happy when they announced they were getting married and she was pregnant. They didn't tell us at the same time which was smart. We would have thought they were only getting married because she was pregnant.

They were meant for each other. I'm glad they finally realized it. They look so cute together.

_No matter what we do (no matter what we do)_

_No matter what we say (no matter what we say)_

_We're the song inside the tune (yeah yeah) full of beautiful mistakes (oh yeah)_

_And everywhere we go (everywhere we go) the sun will always shine _

_(the sun will always, always, shine)_

_And tomorrow we might awake on the other side_

I thought I'd never live to see the day Catherine and Gil got married. But I did and I'm still living to talk about it.

I was there for the beginning and I've been there for everything leading up to the wedding. The wedding was beautiful. I've never seen a more perfect couple. I'm glad somebody else is finally married and now I'm not the only one at CSI/LVPD.

I've seen them flirt in the morgue, in CSI, at parties, picnics. I'm glad to see it's finally been put to action.

I've always looked to them as my family and I know they've done that to me. It was always somewhat of a broken family because it was missing an important part. The parents. I'm like the uncle, Nick, Sara, Warrick, and Greg are the children, Brass is the brother to Gil, Ecklie's the annoying neighbor that every family member has, and Gil and Catherine are the parents. It's written in the stars, meant to be.

Now, we're (minus Ecklie) all waiting in the hospital waiting room for someone to come out with any news about the progress of Catherine's unborn child. She went into labor just outside the doors to morgue room number 2.

Against Gil's wishes, she continued working just not in the field. She did lab work with Greg, I think.

I'm with those two in their thinking that their child is going to be a girl. I hear that everyday in the morgue, people talking about Gil and Catherine's child, that is. I have a good, strong feeling about it.

Whatever the gender, it's going to be a beautiful child.

'_Cause we are beautiful no matter what they say (no matter what 'cause) _

_Words won't bring us down, no (they won't bring us down)_

_We are beautiful in every single way (ooh ooh, 'cause what)_

_Words can't bring us down (no they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't)_

_So don't you bring me down today_

She's so tiny, so beautiful, so perfect.

Angela Annelise Grissom was born at 1:23 p.m. after 12 hours of labor on November 12, 2005. She weighed in at 8 pounds, 12 ounces, 21 inches long. I can already tell she's going to be just like her mother.

Catherine tells me she has my eyes but so far I've only seen her sleep. She has brown hair just barely covering her head. I can already tell I'm going to be protecting her when boys come calling.

She's going to be a heartbreaker like her mother.

Catherine's sleeping now, exhausted after labor and the 'family' visiting. She looks so peaceful, so gorgeous. I can't wait to tell her how much I love her when she wakes up.

797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979797979

I have the most beautiful children. I'm now convinced Lindsey's Gil's as I look into my newborn daughter's eyes. Angela Annelise Grissom and Lindsey Katrine Grissom are two beautiful, miraculous children. I couldn't have asked for more beautiful children.

Birth wise, Lindsey gave me more hell than Angela. They were both relatively quick and easy births, though. For that I'm grateful.

Grave shift and Doc Robbins have already been by to see the new arrival. They've all praised me and Gil on such a beautiful child.

Lindsey loves the fact that she has a sister. I have a feeling she'll get along better with a sister than she would have a brother.

I love the look in Gil's eyes when he looks at our daughter. He smiles just as bright as I do.

We've been blessed with a wonderful life. We've been given a second chance to offer us that wonderful life. I couldn't ask for anything more.

_Ooh yeah_

_Don't you bring me down today_

_Mmm_

_Today _

* * *

For my next story, how does a Lindsey centered (kind of) fic sound about her latest interest? Cirque du Soleil based kind of (got idea when watching Cirque du Soleil on Bravo.) it'd be about her interest in it and then I'd have to throw in some Cath/Gil. Let me know how that sounds as well as what you think about the story. And remember, listen to the song. 


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